Trying not to step on any toes.

Hi, so I’m in a pretty weird situation now.

I’m interested in converting to Judaism. This is something I’ve been researching and looking into for a little over 5 years. Where I live, there’s a great Reform Synagogue I’m pretty familiar with, but I don’t know if I should attend and make my desires known. A little over a year ago I ended a three-year relationship with someone from that synagogue. During the time we dated, I became very integrated into the synagogue – helping to run national Jewish youth camps, helping to watch over children, attend services and generally be the Shabbos/Passover goy.

During the time we dated, I was busy enough trying to work out if I wanted to convert for the sake of my relationship and potential future children, or for me. A year has gone by, and not only is it still something that I’m constantly thinking about, but the fact that I left the synagogue in part, to be respectful of the space we both needed post-breakup, has meant that I’m absolutely miserable that I lost those connections and friends. I feel like I lost family overnight.

My ex is very very involved with the synagogue. Very active, very engaged, and I 100% have no bad feelings there. My ex is totally awesome, we just had incompatible life goals/expectations. But because I ended things, I just don’t want to make things worse, by making myself feel better? I do firmly believe that that’s not a justifiable excuse to cause harm. I don’t keep in contact with my ex, so I don’t have any idea what I could be facing. I do suspect, if there are no bad feelings between us, that my ex would have sympathy as someone who went through a conversion process (as someone with patrilineal descent who wanted to make a formal step in their Jewish life.)

There’s no other synagogue in my city. The only other option I see, in purposely seeking out a job in a different city once I graduate university at the end of next year. My field is very niche though, so it would very much so depend on what was available where.

I’d really like some viewpoints and opinions here. Trying to balance my own path, with my desire to minimize any potential harm here has been a difficult experience. I don’t want to make a decision based on selfishness, or without thought, and I’m incredibly anxious and nervous about stepping on any toes.