i’ve never made a reddit post before, but i’m kind of desperate for some third-party input.
(i’ve also posted this in r/relationship_advice )
around april, i ran into this guy that i had a history class with in the fall. i’d always thought he was cute (and smart as hell), so i shot my shot. we had a great night together, but we both got busy with exams and didn’t end up talking for a few weeks. then, mid-May, right before we both went home– we’re from the same city, but hadn’t met before college –we ended up going out again. we had some super great dates. he’s a big dork, and so easy to talk to. i feel like we’ve been friends for a pretty long time even though we just recently connected.
i had about two weeks at home before i had to leave to work a summer internship in New York, and while we were both home, we ended up hanging out again. we went on a lot of super cute dates, and just generally had a great time. i definitely like this guy a lot, but it felt kind of weird to me to start something right before i had to take a three-month hiatus– like, i knew i’d see him around again in the fall, but having an online only relationship for three months is just not my style. it also didn’t seem fair for me to expect him to sign up for that when we were just getting to know each other. like, i don’t want to tie this guy’s summer down based on a few weeks of fun times, ya know? but, on my last night in town, we agree that we really like talking to each other (that’s the thing– just being his friend is great. we have such great platonic chemistry that i’d definitely miss being his friend if we just didn’t talk over the whole summer), and would probably pick back up in the fall. we’ve also never put a label on whatever we’re doing, and i’m definitely not going to be the one to ask about what we’re calling each other.
flash forward a few weeks, and we’ve been texting and skype-ing pretty regularly. it’s kinda hard to not talk to this guy. we’re kind of at a stasis in the relationship right now– it’s hard to get to know each other better online, but we’re talking enough to not “move backward”.
an important detail that i forgot to mention: my mom is pretty ill. she’s doing alright, but she needs to have surgery around mid-July. i was planning on staying at my internship the whole summer and just not coming back home (i wasn’t happy about it, but it’s sort of expected at my uni ://), but i just feel very compelled to come home and be with her while she recovers. so, i’ll be back in town for a week in the middle of July. [i promise this is relevant later!]
so, the other night, i’m talking to this guy, and we kind of get into a weird late night convo about some “”””deep”””” stuff (i know that sounds cringey, sorry y’all). he mentions to me that his mom would definitely not approve of our relationship because i’m not Jewish (for background, i’m come from a long line of hillbillys and am a non-denominational Protestant– so i’m not ethnically or religiously Jewish in any way, shape, or form). he mentioned to me that he’s never dated a non-Jewish girl before, so we’re kind of in uncharted territory here. he said his dad was “””totally chill””” about it though. he said that he wouldn’t have to choose between me or his family, and that he would “make his mom be ok with it”, but i just don’t know. I mean, he told me that he was about to lie about my last name, and that his mom kept referring to it as a “slippery slope”.
he has a good relationship with his mom, and from the brief 5 second encounter i had with her, she seems like a lovely lady (his dad seems very nice as well). however, i just feel awful about the whole thing.
i don’t want to be a “slippery slope”, but i also don’t want to enter a relationship knowing that getting serious just isn’t an option, that i’ll have to keep him at arm’s length, emotionally speaking. i also feel awful about putting any kind of strain on his relationship with his mother, and making his mom upset about her (only) son. i feel terrible about her not liking me without even knowing me, but i understand her resistance. my parents are protestant like myself, and while i know that they would allow me to date whoever i want, they would ask me to critically think about mismatched values when seriously dating someone of a different religion.
i also feel like asking him to enter a relationship with me when his mother is clearly in opposition to this presumes some kind of undue investment or premature seriousness. i;m bad at articulating things, but what i mean is that if this guy knows that he has to resist his parents on a fundamental identity-based issue when the question of my existence comes up, there’s a sort of defense of me required on his part that just makes the whole thing too serious too quickly. like, we haven’t even figured out if we’re “boyfriend/girlfriend” (as cringey as that sounds), and now for this girl who he’s only just getting to know he has to challenge his family for. i feel like that just sets this up for a rapid escalation in an unnatural way. when i voiced this to him, that i didn’t want this flashpoint issue to make him feel like he was committed to any sort of definite relationship in the fall, he essentially said that he thought we were going to date in the fall. i was kind of taken aback by this, because i had never really been sure that he liked me as much as i liked him. i said i didn’t know if how i felt about the fall. he wants to talk about it in person when i get back in town for my mom’s surgery, but i honestly don’t know what to say.
i don’t want to lose out on the chance to know this great guy, but i feel like continuing a relationship with him will only lead to dramatic and hurtful end for me, him, and his mother. is it worth it to even try to date this guy when i know this will be a barrier from the get-go? for some reason, i feel so guilty, like i’m stealing this lady’s only son. i don;t know if that’s even justified, or if i’m just being a dramatic bitch (maybe it’s really not that deep, lmao. i have a tendency to overthink and overfeel). should i just tell him that i can’t in good conscience continue a relationship with him? it’s really weighing on me emotionally, but i can’t seem to just let him go. pls help, and especially leave me a comment if you’ve dealt with the whole interfaith relationship thing before.
tldr; this guy that i’m almost-dating told his mom about me, a not Jewish girl, and she is against us starting a relationship. what’s the right thing to do?
(also i am so so so very sorry if this is offensive– really just seeking input. pls correct me if i’ve said something hurtful w/o realizing it!!!)