Shiva Calls: What You Might Want to Know, from a Mourner’s Perspective

Note: this is merely a guide and not set in stone for the most part. The biggest “rule” here, except for any halachos which I discuss, is to follow the mourners’ lead.

I got up from shiva a couple of weeks ago. The whole experience was so profoundly unhelpful that I would have almost preferred no one show up at all. So I’m writing this in the hope that should you happen to pay a shiva call and you’re not sure what to do, you have something to work with:

DO knock and let yourself in. Mourners are not supposed to get up from their place.

DO focus on the mourners. DON’T use this as a chance to catch up with friends who are also there.

DO let the mourners lead the conversation. They may not even want to speak too much. DON’T make small talk. If they don’t bring up their jobs, hobbies, politics, or current events then you probably shouldn’t either.

DO tell the mourners about your relationship with their loved one. Share a funny story, a memory that speaks to their good traits, how you first met, or something you admired about them. DON’T ask how it happened. You’re not the first and they don’t need to relive it.

DO offer your condolences and sympathies. DON’T say platitudes like “they’re in a better place” or “at least they’re not suffering” or “G-d has a plan”. None of those are false but it’s not helpful.

DO bring food if you can while being mindful of kosher and other dietary restrictions. It was a custom growing up to bring desserts so that mourners would know sweetness. DON’T go expecting the mourners to have a spread for you – it’s not uncommon but also not their obligation.

DO keep to the shiva hours if listed. DON’T overstay your welcome. In some communities, it’s not uncommon to stay for as little as 15 minutes.

Feel free to ask questions about shiva, the mourning process, or how you can be supportive to your mourner(s). Please don’t ask for personal details, and please don’t send me a message/chat.

May this information become immediately useless with the coming of the Final Redemption and resurrection of the dead.