Modah Ani when depressed

I suffer from severe depression. I am trying to become much more observant and have been saying Modah Ani every morning for a few weeks. But on many days I really struggle because it feels almost like I am lying to G-d? Many mornings I am NOT grateful to still be alive. My first waking thought is very often, “fuck, not again.” It feels almost like an inverse Kavanah. Any advice, rabbinic/halachic or otherwise, is welcome.

edit: I have professional help and good meds! I really appreciate and approve of the sentiment that this is primarily a medical issue. I came here for the Jewish angle as well is all.