Halfway through searching for chametz in my house, I realized how much of a useless faker I am and became extremely discouraged. Though I’m Agnostic leaning, I’m the only person in my family that still gives a shit about being Jewish. I’m Jewish on my mother’s side, and most if not all of them have converted to Catholicism and don’t like to discuss being ethnically Jewish. My parents are Atheists and my mother doesn’t even identify as Jewish, but reffers to me as such since I practice.
I’ve only started practicing/exploring Judaism 2.5 years ago, not as observant as some but I’m working through it. I was never given the opportunity to learn about Judaism growing up and have no sense of community. My graveyard shift work schedule and severe social anxiety make regularly attending shul incredibly difficult. The person I’m closest to, my partner, is not Jewish. I have one Jewish friend, but he lives provinces away and he sometimes has a hard time giving advice as I’m currently more observant than he is. I feel completely isolated from any kind of community.
My family doesn’t hold seders, and I have no friends that do. I’m petrified of attending a public/shul one (with my entirely non Jewish partner), with my lack of experience, not knowing anyone there. I wanted to just do a small, homey one with my partner, but seeing everyone here preparing for giant seders with their Jewish friends and family made me feel like I’m doing it wrong and I shouldn’t even bother.
Should I just give up? I feel so miserable and alone. Keeping Judaism alive after my family has abandoned it and getting closer to G-d somehow has become very important to me, but how am I supposed to proceed when I’ve never been to a real seder?