i want to talk to You

hi all, this is a long read so bare with me.

i grew up in a mixed faith household, my dad was christian, my mom jewish. we lit the menorah and got gifts but that was where it ended. everything else was christmas trees, easter baskets and the like. my parents divorced when i was 10 and my mom remarried a frum man. by 12, i was going to a frum all girls school and attempting to keep kosher and be shomer shabbos, although i would never claim i did it right.

i am now 22. over the years things went back and forth. sometimes i felt the connection like He was right there with me, sometimes i experimented back with christianity, other times i would swear the concept itself was crazy and everyone who believed was mental. now, im in a place where i dont really feel faith. i’m married and last shabbos was inspired by a friend to light candles, i lit, said the bracha and tried to daven with as much kavana someone who doesn’t really believe could have. i asked for help with three things, one more so than the others.

the next day, this one thing had an opportunity that was way more than ever before, and it felt like it totally fell out of the sky. i couldn’t help but feel like He heard me and greeted my request like i had been with Him this whole time, like His faith in me stayed.

so, long story short, this whole thing gave me some hope, it sounds stupid i know. i want to connect but i don’t know how. how does someone who doesn’t necessarily believe, reconnect to Hashem?

thank you for reading.