I donned Tallit and tzitzit for the first time

I really haven’t been having a great time lately, I’ve been having lots of mental health issues due to past trauma (I have chronic PTSD) compounded with current job stress. My Beit Din is scheduled for a few weeks from now. My Rabbi said it would be my choice to wear a tallit and tzitzit after I had asked and I wouldn’t be stopped. As far as I feel, my Rabbi scheduling my Beit Din is saying I’m ready, he said my neshama is Jewish and I’m ready.

I wanted to wait until that day and I still want to wait until that Shabbat service after I receive a blessing on my conversion to wear the Tallit publicly. But I had a dream earlier before of me being wrapped in this cloth and praying and feeling comforted by HaShem and that I would be making this covenant. Something about that dream made me want to and I had wrapped myself in it with the intention of nightly davening. I know it’s not normally worn during nightly prayers and only during mornings, but I felt a comfort from this. I had said Ma’ariv prayers and I feel more at ease. I didn’t need to wear a tallit for it, but feeling wrapped in it made me feel safe. I felt connected to my obligation to the mitzvot.

I know my conversion will not be accepted among many, I’ve made peace with that. But if anything, I want to let each and every Jew reading this know that this faith has kept me going through my struggles and fully accepted or not, I feel at home. Regardless if I’m considered Jewish among others, I at least want to let others know I’m grateful.

Shalom to every Jewish individual reading this.