Guilt turning me away from judaism

I know the title sounds strange, but I don’t know how else to phrase it. My situation is quite complicated, but I will try to give some context. Sorry in advance because this is a long one.

Growing up we weren’t particularly religious, a little, but I can best discribe it as a very, very relaxed version of reform. But, when I was 14, my mom (very suddenly) decided we were all going to baal teshuva and tried to raise us orthodox (she liked to say ultra-orthodox) from then on. It was very difficult for me because it was literally going from one day living the way “everyone else did” to the next having so many rules “no TV, no music, throw away all your pants, cover your head, no going out on Friday’s or Saturday’s, no eating anything you like/ used to eat, don’t talk to male classmates (this was particularly difficult cause growing up I was always a bit of a Tomboy so most of my friends were boys)” etc. The whole nine yards. It was hard, but I complied because I wanted to be good.

But sadly, things escalated to a life less based on Judaism and more based on my mom’s untreated mental illness. For example, making me step into an ice cold shower at 3am because I was “not pure” and needed to be “cleansed”. This messed up my idea of Judaism/religion in general. So, due to abuse and other situations, I moved out at 17. Growing up before the “switch” was also very difficult because of my mom’s illness, I had once been placed in another home by “CPS” (I don’t live in the U. S.), but now religion had become her weapon, so to speak. Therefore, when I moved out I became secular all together, unable to handle even thinking about religion at the time. Never an atheist, but I just tried to never think about religion. A few years later I was feeling empty, so I decided to explore judaism again. Tehillim here and there, gratitude, hitbodedut, short morning prayers. But I always struggled with the guilt of living the way I lived. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t doing anything crazy. But you know every time I ate a pizza with cheese and meat on it or stayed up studying for a college exam on a friday night, I had a lot of anxiety afterwards.

I also struggled a lot with the guilt of feeling that I wasn’t doing enough. I’ve posted before (not sure if here but for sure in Facebook groups and other Jewish forums) asking for advice because the lack of motivation doesn’t let me be consistent with my practice. People always reply nicely, saying things like “do what you can”, but I still feel bad. For a lack of a better way to explain it, I practice judaism a few months then go back to secular for a few other. And I’ve lived in that cycle for the past 8 years.

I’m now entering my thirties, and have a partner and a two year old. The extent of my partner’s jewish practice is limited to “I believe in HaShem and trust he’s got my back” and fasting on Yom Kippur, but that’s it. He doesn’t really do anything else except hitbodedut 3 or 4 times a year. We have celebrated the High Holiday’s for the past three years, but it’s been mostly because I wanted to. I’m okay with this, but he can’t really advise me on how I feel. I want my child to grow up knowing HaShem loves him and takes care of him, but I don’t want to inflict trauma on him like my mom did to me. For the past six months I haven’t been religious at all. I had been doing some small things here and there but just stopped all together because I got depressed. If I didn’t do things “perfectly” I felt terrible, and if I did something like eat a pizza or watch a movie I’d start feeling very guilty, and the anxiety everything was causing me just became too unbearable again. So now the only religious thing I still do is touch my mezuzah when I leave and enter my home. But that’s it. I think about my child and feel sad because I don’t want to raise him atheist… And now we’re in that time of the year, that month we should use to reflect before judgment day. And I feel so sad,so guilty and very scared. Because I don’t want HaShem to be mad at me. But I think about Rosh Hashanah, for example, and get so much anxiety. Because I don’t know what I’ll do that day. I was checking and I have an exam (second major) that night and I’m already feeling guilty about taking it. I can’t ask for an exemption because it has to be a letter from an official Rabbi from my country for it to count but I don’t live near any synagogues.

Which brings me to address some things I know people might comment or want to know. Firstly, I know I need therapy. I’ve been going in and out of it for most of my adult life, depending on if I can afford it. These past six months that I’ve been depressed I was seeing a therapist but I stopped going recently because of some issues with her approach to things (interrupted me when I was speaking, said I didn’t need to talk to her about the things I wanted to, etc). As soon as I can afford finding another professional, I’ll do it. But still, regarding my spiritual/religious experience, mental health professionals always tell me to look for a “leader in my community” to ask them, because they can’t advise me on it. Which brings me to my second point, I am not part of any Jewish communities except for here on reddit and on Facebook. I watch a lot of videos from breslev and use the app insta Rabbi sometimes to ask questions but, you know, it’s not really personalized. I buy many books and other things from a “jewish shop” (sorry, don’t know the word in English) that’s almost two hours away from my home but they are orthodox so, I don’t really know the owners. It’s also complicated because if I read something difficult I get demotivated as well. For example, I read that it’s prohibited for women to use birth control unless a Rabbi says it’s okay. That made me spiral because my pregnancy was high risk and I’m still having some health issues two years later, so I use birth control because (to me) it’s too risky to get pregnant again right now. And yeah, I know life is not supposed to be about doing whatever you want. But it’s difficult to reconcile things in my mind. Anyways, my mom always asks me to come to her Rabbi’s synagogue, but again, they are orthodox. So yeah, sorry for trauma dumping all of this I guess, but that’s why I’m turning to you guys for advice, you’re all I have 😅.

Anyways, I just wish I could pray without feeling sad or scared while doing it. I wish I could read tehillim consistently without feeling like the worst human being on the planet for skipping a day. I wish I could just feel like I deserve to be alive and that I deserve good things that happen to me 🙁 I’m at a loss on what to do. For the upcoming holidays and in general. If any of you have any advice or solidarity I’d really appreciate it. If not, then thank you for reading me.