Former reform but probably still reform in day to day

Shalom everyone

This is going to be long-winded but as I’m struggling to seek comfort or any sense of humour in my soul I am turning to my wider Jewish people for advice, guidance, & most importantly patience and kindness

I am male 25 from England glorious England I say it with a heavy tone because I am beyond in grief with myself I am constantly fighting myself to sleep despite voeing to some ritual & practice I do not attend shul anymore as I cannot find a shul I am at home with my closest shul is 16 minutes by train & on shabbat in my eyes it isn’t permissable for me to travel out that far due to the cost & anxious thoughts I have around travelling distance.

I am yet to seek a rabbi or friend who is of similar denotation as I am within the religion I so deeply love and practice as much as I can on my own in solidarity, I am not birth right nor my mother or any other female side are Jewish as I know of but ive been told many times I look very ashkenazi because of my facial features ie my eyes & beard I so desperately try to keep tidy and beautiful looking.

I find no comfort within speaking to my own father as our relationship is rocky and that’s that same with his parents I keep kosher as much as I can but due to my location and funds to afford kosher food or sourcing it for a reasonable price I have to revert to options I know well ie salmon that may be kosher or chicken that may be kosher but chancing it as the app I use to tell me if something is kosher is rather difficult to navigate.

I seek comfort as I lay here trying to sleep but am played by thoughts of just throwing in the towel and saying maybe the religion isn’t for me but I stand firmly with both feet on the ground and hashem guides me back to the love he shared to me within the darkest hours of my life I commit to a night shema but without a sense purpose in my day to day I struggle to turn off.

My life outside of religion is very much regimented I have a strict routine I try to follow end my week on a Friday afternoon at 1pm and try to remain positive & optimistic about Jewish life as a reform Jewish man I also try to keep work & life balanced as I should.

But as the modern day prevails I struggle to sometimes even struggle to remain on my own within the holiest of days including Friday & Saturday

I am aware some people within the community will see this opportunity as say I am bound by sin as keeping kosher is a vital part of our religion as a collective but please refrain from making such hasty comments as I am trying my best to do with what little energy & money I earn in a role surrounded by greaving & suffering.

Finally thank you for ever reaches out I truly appreciate it but be mindful I may not understand fully as I am going to try to begin for the second time in my life a spiritual journey but I am open to everyone’s thoughts comments & analogies on my current situation to save disagreements I am open to all sects of the religion even jew~ish people even people who live a fully secular life but recognise they are Jewish I am very opened minded to religion but my life my partner my family don’t quite fully understand why I’m overtly reform but I secretly know now you all know which feels like rock has been broken off my heavy shoulders.

Layla Tov to my night owls 🦉 & Erev tov to my American & further afield extended family

And ברוך השם