Family doesn’t practice Judasim.

I feel like I’ve been robbed of memories. No one in my family has ever done anything for the holidays. We actually celebrated Christmas when I was a child but that’s all. I went on to college and studied Hebrew with a minor in Jewish studies. I never married or had children. I’m too poor to join a synagogue. I’m ashamed to ask for help even for high holidays. My rabbi is a great guy too and was my professor in college. It’s a horrible feeling. I’m thinking of renouncing. What am I supposed to do? Sit by myself? There is no joy in that even if it’s the right thing to do. I miss the sense of community. I miss being with people that actually care. My cousins aren’t even having their children bar/bat mitzvah as if it’s some major crime to rob their childhood. So, what to do as a person that cares in a family full of people that could care less. The only person that cares is my father but he lives at least 1,000 miles away so it doesn’t matter that much. I’m 47 years old. I’m not turning to my parents for money. Isn’t there something I can do to meet people and participate without having to join my synagogue? I’m completely and utterly confused, angry and depressed and I don’t think that is the way things should be on a joyous occasion such as Chanukah. Then again, I’ve hardly experienced the joy so …? Pardon if this is all over the place but that is exactly how I feel. I suspect my father dropped us off at Hebrew school to appease his parents but I’m not sure and that was a long time ago by now.