Dating a Jew-ish person

Hi all, throwaway account for various reasons and apologies for the length, I think it’s important for context.

I am a 26yr old guy, born in Israel, grew up in America from a very young age. I grew up doing all the holidays, going to Synagogue for high holidays, and always envisioned I would end up with someone very like myself in terms of how we were raised. My family always kept 100% kosher in the house and the overall kosher rules (no mixing dairy/meat, no pork, no shellfish, etc.) outside the house. Around the time of my bar mitzvah, my family began keeping kosher to a higher extent where we only ate kosher meat outside the home. I was never forced to choose this, I chose to do it on my own accord. I never felt like being Jewish culturally or religiously was ever pushed upon me besides the “you have to marry someone Jewish”, if I woke up tomorrow not wanting to practice, my family would have a hard time, but they would still accept me. I wrap tefillin every morning but don’t attend synagogue besides with my family during high holidays. Hopefully that gives a general idea of my upbringing.

As for dating, I was a late bloomer and did not have any relationships growing up, mostly because I never felt like I found the right person and I was in this thought of having all of my firsts with the woman I would marry. College (attended in the same state as I grew up in) quickly taught me that may not be the case and I had my share of dating, always knowing I was looking to be with someone Jewish in the end but I had time for that. When I was halfway through college, I met my now girlfriend, whom I’ve been with for the past five years and can’t imagine a world that I don’t marry her as she is my world and best friend. I plan to propose in the next 1-2 years. I didn’t even know she was Jewish when I first made the move to introduce myself to her, so when I found out, I was ecstatic. I learned that her mother is Jewish but her father is not (he is not religious but his family is from a modern catholic background). She grew up in a household that didn’t do shabbats, only celebrated Hanukah really, didn’t practice any form of kosher, and even decorated and celebrated christmas (dad’s side lived close and was very big on it, it is the way his side of the family connects a few times a year even though none of them are religious from what I’ve gathered).

When I first met her mom, she sat us down and highlighted that we were both Jewish, which she was happy about, but raised differently and that we should take it upon ourselves to not change how the other person is. Over the years, I learned that her mother was afraid I was an extremely religious person and that she did not have a great relationship with extremely religious people growing up, some side of her family, etc. Regardless, being a young guy in his 20s, falling in love with a girl, I just said “sure of course”, what else would I say few months into dating and first time meeting her mother. It’s not like I was thinking of kids, marriage, etc. deeply during that the time and I never had some deep thoughts of “I’m gonna change her regardless”.

Fast forward a few years into our relationship, we moved in together once we both finished college. This year would be our second year living together. We see eye to eye on many things and she really is my best friend. My girlfriend is amazing and although she did not grow up this way, she helps keeping our household kosher, we separate dishes and cutlery, we do Shabbats, we go back to my parent’s for high holidays, etc. I don’t ask of her to refrain from eating whatever she wants outside the home, although it makes me feel uneasy at times, but she’ll never order a cheeseburger or pork ribs in front of my family out of respect. Her family is respectful of my kosher and has even gone out of the way to get me a kosher meat a few times so I can feel included in meals. I’ve attended Christmas at her extended dad’s side and it really felt like they were just celebrating because that’s what they all did growing up. It’s mostly giving presents, eating food, and playing games as a family. Not one bit of religiousness. And I’ve made it clear that I do not want to have those non-Jewish and different religion holidays happen in our home, especially because it’s not like she does it out of belief and she is okay with it now although it bothered her at first because I was taking away from her traditions growing up. I know that putting up a tree for the holiday time would embrace her traditions growing but I just can’t do that because I feel like that opens up the doors to more things I would not be comfortable with. Moreso, I feel like they didn’t/don’t do it outside of “that’s what other people do”. Her mom is the one who decorates and stuff, her dad doesn’t really care for it. Her mom claims its for Russian new year but realistically, Russian new year was made secular in the soviet union but from everything I’ve seen just copies christmas so I feel like it’s not right to justify it like that. Maybe if they actually did it on new years, I would have an easier time believing that but they unwrap gifts and such on Christmas. Sorry derailing here and please someone educate me if otherwise.

On a few occasions, my girlfriend has reminded me that she doesn’t have a belief in the religious aspects and she just goes with everything for me. I understand it’s a big sacrifice for her as to how vastly different it is from how she was raised and I am very thankful for that but a big thing I couldn’t get over was how raising our future kids would be. I am not comfortable with them celebrating Christmas at the in-laws without understanding that it is not our holiday but still fear what it would be like if we aren’t on a united side when raising them. Same goes for other holidays, keeping kosher outside the house, etc. It sat heavy on my chest after last year’s Yom Kippur.

A few months ago, we had a talk about what the future looks like and some aspect of it included how we would raise our kids. I prompted this conversation because I couldn’t take it anymore. We agreed that we would like to raise our kids Jewish, but she does not want them to go to religious school. She believes that religious schools is too isolating and doesn’t show them the rest of the world. I didn’t go to religious school myself and figured we can always take them to sunday school to learn herbew and about our religion, and likely that I will have to teach them more on my end. As for kosher, we agreed that when the kids come, we would find a compromise as how to raise them keeping kosher inside the house like we do now but being more lenient outside the house (similar to how I was growing up). This would include my girlfriend giving up on non-kosher food and me being more lenient such as not strictly keeping to only kosher meat outside the house. Her POV was that she doesn’t want the kids to feel left out if they go over to a non-jewish friend’s house and cannot eat the burger the family made for dinner or being excluded for keeping kosher. I grew up being completely fine keeping kosher, many of my friends were not Jewish, and most friends’ families were very accommodating but I am wiling to compromise. We also spoke about how yes we would do Christmas with her extended family or with her siblings (her siblings do not care about dating/marrying Jewish, also not religious) but the kids have to understand that’s not our holiday. Still tough for me to wrap my brain around the logical approach there but I love her family and know that it’s not from a religious stand point anyways. I know that she is making more sacrifices in order to live with me than I am with her and I am beyond grateful, sometimes even feel guilty about it. I always try to compromise more on other things, whether it’s what we eat, where we live, what we do, big points in life. It doesn’t really feel like compromising because we’re so similar and beyond keeping to my jewish beliefs and customs, I am very with the flow type of guy but I try to compromise anywhere I can.

In this conversation we also discussed holidays. Most holidays, we travel to my parents to celebrate with my family. She does not feel very involved because they mostly speak Hebrew (we’re working on that and I’ve asked my family to be more inclusive by speaking English when around her and not just when speaking to her) but regardless she does it for me. She isn’t intrigued by the holidays, faith, stories, or asks any questions, but I can’t really ask for her curiosity, I’d rather it come from her and I understand she may never be religious or curious. The one holiday that stood out was Yom Kippur, she said that she would try but she couldn’t see herself fasting for 24 hours because she doesn’t have a reason for it. I understood and just asked that she would try it with me, at the very least just no technology, light, etc. and she can eat away from me.

Now we just talked about this upcoming Yom Kippur and she mentioned there was a show she wants to go see on that day and so she may hang out with me during the day and then go there and come back. We don’t live in walking distance to a Synagogue so I was planning for us to spend it together and forgo Synagogue (I really only go once during the day to pass time and for the shofar) just to show her what its like instead of staying with family to do it. I thought it would be good for us to experience our first Yom Kippur together so we can both know what it will be like in the future. I thought we were on the same page but doesn’t seem like it. When I said I expected that we would do it together she said “You know that it doesn’t matter for me like it does for you, I am not religious”, I was devastated and out of emotions said “I don’t know, then maybe this won’t work” and went into my office to prep for work before calling it a night. I don’t regret saying that because I still have this feeling that maybe our differences are too different and that hurts. Candidly, I was crying up until I fell asleep. I love this woman and I don’t want to lose her. It’s also put up a question mark in front of me whether or not I really believe in what I believe or because I was raised this way. And I think vice versa for her, does she just not believe or follow because she was never shown that growing up? I’ve come to realize that’s probably the case and if we had switched upbringing, we would be in each other’s shoes. I believe that as Jewish people, we have a duty to keep to our beliefs and traditions otherwise, we will be some of the last ones in history. But I also understand that everyone does that differently. I mean, hey, I have Israeli friends that are less practicing than my girlfriend is now.

My biggest qualm with what she said isn’t about me or her. I am okay with her never practicing Yom Kippur, never becoming religious, never keeping kosher outside of the house, etc. it will not change me otherwise and I don’t want to force to change her more than she already has for me. But my overthinking brain cannot fathom how we can raise kids explaining “oh yeah mommy doesn’t want to do Yom Kippur because she doesn’t believe in G-d or other reasons for it but dad does and so you guys will do Yom Kippur until you’re old enough to decide for yourselves.” or “yeah grandma 1 keeps kosher and grandma 2 doesn’t keep kosher but they’re both Jewish but you can’t have pork chops at grandma 1’s house even though everyone else is eating it”, and all of those grey areas. I understand that as the practicing parent, I would have to push them to their Jewish culture, religion, and tradition and my girlfriend would be okay with that to certain extents we discussed. I also understand that just as easily they can grow up and decide to not keep to that faith even if my girlfriend also decided to practice in the same exact ways as I. But I want to make sure that they are not growing up confused and that they are exposed to my Jewish upbringing so they can decide for themselves. I’m scared of failing in that department. I feel like it’s much easier when it’s “we do this because we are this type of Jewish” vs “Well I am this and mom is that but you have to be like this”.

We want kids but if we didn’t, I’d have no issues with this. I lover her and I want to grow old with her surrounded by our future family but is it feasible? How do you raise kids when one parent is practicing and the other isn’t? How do you explain “Mom and dad are both right, no one is wrong here”? These thoughts way heavily on me and have me considering if we can make it work. I am afraid of either of us resenting one another too for giving up/not giving up things to make it work. I guess a part of me wishes that she would be somewhat interested in the culture, religion, or anything with my beliefs and practice besides just doing it for me. And I think although I really don’t want to change her, a part of me wishes she would just accept everything at face value for me, which makes me feel disgusted and full of selfishness.

So the culmination of this whole post is: what do we do? I obviously want to talk to her about all of this and how I feel but how do we go about it from a mutual point to decide if it makes sense for us in the long run? Is this just an unknown that I have to just delve into because of my love for her? What kind of questions do we need to ask each other and discuss? Do we do therapy?

If there are any questions, I can answer to give a better idea of the situation, please let me know. I’m also leaning into going to therapy to talk this out with someone to understand if maybe there are deeper levels to all of this. So if anyone has any recommendations, I’d appreciate it.

Thank you for your time.

TLDR: Girlfriend and I were raised Jewish differently. She has compromised to my lifestyle more as it is more demanding; however there are some questions about how raising a family will be with our varied beliefs. I am scared that there will be resent in the future or problems of the kids deciding “mom or dad’s way”. How to move forward?