Chelp with the perfect challah!

Guys, I need help. If not, I may have to turn in my Jew card and I won’t be able to play with the space laser anymore.

I have tried making challah several times now. I have followed every recipe that claimed to produce the ultimate, look-no-further, just-like-bubbe-used-to-make challah, and have failed miserably. In no particular order, they have been dense enough to use as a murder weapon, blobby monstrosities, drier than Moses’ flip flop, or just…bread.

My main problem is the dough. Every recipe says to let it rise, knead, and rise again, but every time it turns into some sticky, goopy mess trying to devour my counter top. I have tried kneading it back into something resembling dough, which resulted in dense nonsense, and I have tried (and failed) to braid the blob so as to not knead the air out of it, which resulted in what can only be described as hunchback baguette.

I make the best chicken soup and I know the Shema by heart. I just can’t seem to manage this verdammte broyt. Is there anyone with any tips and tricks?