Am I Using Judaism as a Coping Mechanism?

I was raised secular but have been reconnecting with Judaism in a spiritual and formal manner for about seven months now. A couple times I have been brought to tears listening to Rabbi YY Jacobson’s podcast “All Classes” on Spotify, particularly his metaphors about turning darkness into light on his episodes released around Yom Kippur 2024/2023. I randomly listened to him on a plane and this was the start of my interest in reconnecting.

After detailing the inner turmoil and guilt one can experience, Rabbi YY says something along the lines of “what is true is that you were conceived in love, you are part of Hashem’s love.” I guess that sentiment has been difficult for me to accept. For one, I wonder if this is really true for someone who is not halakhakly (spelled that wrong) strict and has not studied Torah. I have looked into the meaning of the prayer “Ahavat Olam” and from what I gather, it expresses the idea that Hashem loves us so much because he created the Torah. So…what if, because I struggle with self-worth and OCD, I want so desperately for Hashem to be this entity that made my body and mind intentionally, who truly loves me, who truly forgives me for the mistakes I have been making, etc. that I take every opportunity I can to over-interpret prayers and Jewish thought in order to contort Hashem into whatever I emotionally ‘need’ instead of knowing the truth of who he really is? Maybe the Torah is this guidebook with rules to follow and if you don’t, sorry, Hashem isn’t invested in you. Maybe Hashem isn’t as warm, fuzzy, and sappy as I want him to be. If genetically I come from half and half of my parents and this can be proven, how did Hashem had any hand in making me? If I am ethnically only half Jewish, do I have half of a Jewish soul?

I consider also, maybe I am using Judaism as a form of avoidance. Like, I disappoint myself in so many respects and so I just revert to thinking maybe deep down I am worth something since Hashem made me, and is this just being lazy and finding excuses to forgive myself when I should spend more time punishing myself?

Oh gosh I am sorry for all the thoughts and kudos to you if you read any of this.