Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
My mother converted Conservative [her father was Jewish, mother was not], and I began exploring Orthodox conversion in my early 20s.
I’ve been living in a community that’s somewhere between Haredi and MO for the past 5-6 years, and very few people know about my situation (i.e. just the rabbi, and maybe 3-4 of my closest friends). I’ve deliberately been extremely cautious my entire time here (e.g. dodging small minyans so as not to be accidentally counted as the tenth man, avoiding lunch invitations where I would be the third or tenth man at the table, never hosting meals at my apartment, and deliberately sitting as far away from the bimah as possible so as not to be called for an aliyah, and declining without explanation when I am called).
I put on tefillin pretty much every day, I keep Shabbos, and I can’t remember the last time I ate at a restaurant without a hechscher. I’ve lived like this for pretty much all the time I’ve been here. I think the last affirmatively assur thing that I did intentionally was attend a mixed dance (and no, that’s not a joke) a few years ago.
My difficulty is that, if I’m being honest, I’m not sure I believe this anymore. For example, I have great diffulty accepting that ma’amad har Sinai occurred, and I severely doubt (read: affirmatively don’t believe) that Torah she b’al pe is of divine origin. There are several (read: literally dozens) of things like this that I just don’t believe. I would very much like to believe these things, but I just don’t (which makes me feel inexplicably disappointed in myself). I’ve gained far too much respect for Judaism to be accepted into the Jewish people under false pretenses, and I don’t intend to swear to live by something I do not believe is absolutely true. At the very least, I’m not ready for this.
I’ve sort of been hanging around hoping I’d “become ready” within the past few years, but that hasn’t really happened. I’ve realized one of the things keeping me from leaving is that I’m actually terrified to leave. Everyone I know is at shul. It’s my entire social life, both on Shabbos and during the week [most weeknights I either go to a shiur or to the Daf]. I don’t have any friends outside of it, and my closest family is thousands of miles away. I don’t have any other social activities, and I’m terrified I’ll be completely isolated.
It’s getting to the point where I’m in my late 20s, and I’m putting off dating or getting married because I’m simultaenously too afraid to leave and too hesitant to convert, so I’m stuck in this weird limbo where I don’t really know anything else.
I’m terribly confused. If anyone has advice about this, I’d appreciate it.