Where Do Families Fit Into Synagogue Life Today?

Something I’ve noticed over the years is that while there’s often talk about synagogues being family focused, sometimes to the exclusion of single adults, even that family focus feels pretty limited. A lot of the programming seems geared specifically toward families with very young children, especially those in preschool. You’ll often see things like Tot Shabbat or storytime events, which are great for that age group, but once kids grow out of that stage, the options tend to disappear.

My son currently attends Hebrew School, but he is not given the opportunity to participate in services that are actually geared toward students his age. There is very little that connects what he learns in class with what happens in the sanctuary. Without that connection, it is hard to build a sense of community or a meaningful relationship with the synagogue. You would think there would be more Shabbat services designed to bring in Hebrew School kids and help them feel involved, but for some reason that just does not happen. I have no idea why. It seems like such an obvious and important thing, and yet it is often completely missing.

I understand why many families see little long-term value in synagogue life, especially after the bar or bat mitzvah. There is often not much to look forward to beyond that point. The engagement just drops off.

Some synagogues do offer children’s services during the High Holidays, but more often than not, those are tailored to younger kids. Older children and teens are usually left to sit through long adult services with nothing that speaks to them or engages them. Realistically, there is not much of a reason for a 14-year-old to want to attend services, especially when they feel like they are just expected to sit quietly for hours without being included in any real way.

I have seen this pattern not only in one place, but across multiple synagogues in my area, both Reform and Conservative. Even Chabad, which sometimes does a better job engaging teens through occasional events, often lacks consistent programming for children and teens during the High Holidays or throughout the rest of the year during regular services.

Another thing that stands out is the lack of family participation in Shabbat services. Most services are not designed to include children or teens in a meaningful way, and this makes it hard for families to attend together. Often families either split up or just choose not to come at all.

In my ideal scenario, a synagogue would offer multiple ways to participate on a regular basis. There would be services specifically for young children, services for older children and teens, and a well-designed family service that is suitable for older kids and teens but also welcoming to adults who prefer a shorter or more accessible service compared to the longer traditional one. That kind of variety would serve a much broader range of people and help strengthen the overall community.

I imagine a synagogue as a place where a child or teen could take part in a service that actually feels relevant and tailored to them, and then afterwards have time to hang out and have fun with their peers. That turns the synagogue into a place where friendships are formed, where kids want to be, and where they feel comfortable and connected. Right now, for many of them, the synagogue is just a boring place they are forced to go to, where they do not see other kids their age and do not feel like they belong.

One thing to keep in mind, I am primarily focusing on services and not on general events like Purim parties. But even with events, many synagogues do a poor job. Only the Chabads around me have really done a better job with it. They are the ones who seem to understand that you have to make Jewish life fun and social if you want kids and teens to feel like it belongs to them.

I completely understand that this may not apply to every synagogue. Your synagogue might be doing a great job and really engaging families across all ages. But based on what I have seen in New Jersey, this has been a consistent experience, and I think it is something worth talking about.

So while synagogues often say they are focused on families, it sometimes feels like they are working from a narrow definition of what that means. They target a very specific age group and often forget to create space for older children, teens, and also for single adults.

What has your experience been like? What have you observed?