Shame

I am staying with my father. He is an alcoholic.

He bas been drinking the past few days. He drinks over a litre of vodka each day. I cannot stand him when he is drunk. I had a complete meltdown once following a binge of his and I ran outside screaming wearing only my underwear, and was arrested while trying to hide in some bushes. I was arrested without charge and kept in the police station cells for over 24 hours – refused a psychiatrist (I am entitled to one because I am autistic), refused a lawyer, refused food and shower, and was in so much distress that I kicked the wall until my foot was pouring with blood. They accused me of being on drugs, denied me a test, called me an animal, and fractured both my wrists with excessive force after I asked why I had been arrested. I was never told why. I was released without charge. This affected me seriously for weeks – unable to be alone without beginning a panic attack. My girlfriend broke up with me because in my state of disarray I treated her awfully. Now I am with my dad again, for shabbos, and he has been drinking for 3 days straight. I have not seen him sober since Thursday. I felt that I could not go through it again, for my sake and my girlfriend’s.

I had vowed to dedicate shabbos to torah study and yom rishon to atonement for something unrelated.

To cope with my father I have taken 60mg of valium to sleep through tomorrow as he will still be drunk well into the day. It is my choice. I chose to do this.

I feel I have ruined my vow to atone. Don’t try and be nice to me. I messed up and that’s final. This is more of a confession than a cry for help.

Yes, I am leaving my dad by the end of this week. I just feel I have everyone down – Hashem, my ancestors, my descendants, my girlfriend, and myself

I just feel ashamed. That is all.