My Partner (M23) wants to become more religious, and I (F23) am slowly becoming less.

This is a really difficult thing for me to put to words as I just feel so constantly overwhelmed with it all, so I apologise if this isn’t a smooth retelling.

To give you some background, I come from a Jewish family but not religious, my boyfriend comes from a religious family. When we met online, I wasn’t aware of his level of religiousness (not orthodox but something on the way). We didn’t really discuss it much in the beginning as we lived in different countries. Long story short I ended up moving aboard to be with him and changing my entire life for this relationship.

Once settled I had noticed he was more religious than i initially thought and told myself that it was okay and i was comfortable coming on this journey with him. I started keeping kosher, doing shabbat on occasions and going to shul for festivals. I don’t know where along the lines something changed for me, call it an epiphany, but i just began moving away from the religion. What really kicked it off was the Nidah and the portrayal of women in the Torah. I am not secular and I did really believe in God but this doesn’t sit right with me and never has.

Back to the story, Me and my boyfriend were talking and somehow this came up into conversation. I was staunchly against, but he said it was something he wanted to keep with his wife (with hopes that would be me). We got into a heated debate, the whole “women are unclean and impure on their period” which isn’t what he believes but it’s a huge aspect of it. He believes in the whole “it’s a beautiful part of the religion for a marriage”. Anyway, ever since this conversation things have been rocky between us, we continue to try have these open discussions but more time than not it ends less than pleasant. We discuss more things outside of this like going to shul and the mikve but all this has done is push me further away from the religion.

Now to the reason I am writing this, we had an explosive argument today. My main point was that, what will happen if he decides randomly during our marriage to be significantly more religious than he already will be, where dos that leave me? will i be forced to follow? or will it result in a divorce. Now you are probably thinking that i’m over thinking this, but that’s just how i conceptualise things. He never seems to have an answer for me, he always tells me he doesn’t know enough or isn’t a Rabbi and will need to speak with one. This obviously does nothing for my anxiety and pushes me further into a spiral. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I truly love him and wanted to see a future with him, but I do want to sacrifice my freedoms. Depending on which subreddit you are reading this from I can imagine people will say “but if you view religion as a sacrifice of freedom that’s not right or not the religion” but I don’t care, it’s how it feels.

I am at a crossroads and I don’t know what to do. I love him so much and the last thing I would want is to be without him but the fear of the future is pulling me back.

I know I have some soul searching to do, and I know most of these responses will tell me I should go and lean about the religion outside of my boyfriend but I am worried It will just push me further away.

If anyone has some advice whether from experience or what not, it would be greatly appreciated.

TLDR: 1. ⁠My boyfriend is religious I am not 2. ⁠He wants to be more religious in the future and I am content where I am 3. ⁠I moved country to be with him without knowing about this religious factor 4. ⁠He is not a bad guy, we just have completely different upbringings 5. ⁠We’ve argued about the Nidah and perception of women in the Torah 6. ⁠We are both in a very heated relationship at the moment, both very confused as what to do next 7. ⁠Is it possible that we can be so in love but not meant for each other.