Struggling with feeling joy at being alive. Reading Tanya and Tzavaat HaRivash, I feel like I want to try to change this because it creates a distance between me and HaShem. One aspect of this distance is thinking very little of myself, or at times having an active disdain for myself. Another is a sense of futility or hopeless that I have sometimes. Both of these contribute to struggling with finding motivation to keep up with mitzvah that I would like to.
They also contribute to a distance between me and Israel more broadly, struggling to maintain connection and community both online and IRL. It feels like there is this ongoing story that every life contributes to with the Jewish people, no matter how insignificant some may seem or the mistakes some may make. But, it feels like my perspective doesn’t belong there; like I might find meaning within Judaism and among Israel, but that what I think, feel, and do only gets in the way of that overall story and everyone else’s stories. It’s been awhile since I went to temple, and I’m nervous to go back because of that kind of feeling, even though I find peace and purpose there.
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