Y’all ever have trouble understanding why bad things happen?

Feel like I’ve been kinda struggling with this the past few months.

A few weeks before high holidays a friend of mine killed themselves. I didn’t know her for too long, but during the high holidays services, it was all I could think of.

Especially during this part of the service where we read the prayer I attached to this post. I just couldn’t help but think “I wonder if G-d somehow orchestrated my friend’s death”.

I talked to a few rabbis about this. They assured me this wasn’t the case. That, at least in the reform movement, we don’t exactly take this prayer literally.

But I guess it doesn’t exactly make things better.

There are so many bad things that happen in this world. I can’t help but wonder if G-d either doesn’t exist, is indifferent to our suffering, or is somehow responsible for the tragedies of our lives.

Jewish texts, like the book of Job or the story of Sodom and Gomorrah especially make me consider if the latter could be true.

Yet I still go to services every week. I continue to pray. I suppose I just don’t think about it too much at the end of the day. I enjoy praying to G-d, it makes me feel good. I guess I just live as if G-d exists and cares about me because it makes me feel good and I don’t see any real downsides to this.

But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I sometimes question my faith.