Post Abortion Breakup- Need Advice

I (f23) got an abortion in June and my ex boyfriend (m24) broke up a month later. I’ve always wanted to become a mother, still do! I truly believe it’s one of the greatest things you can do as a woman.

When I found out I was pregnant, it was a bittersweet feeling. A whole baby inside of me. I immediately felt my mother instincts kick in. I remember wanting to quit vaping and to start eating healthy. But harsh reality kicked in. I’m only 23. I just graduated, I’m not financially independent yet, and In many ways not mentally ready to be a mother. It wasn’t the right time. I remember being in the gyno office crying. I was in so much pain knowing what I had to do.

My ex boyfriend was very supportive and caring the entire month (I did md abortion takes longer than surgical) . I truly believe it made us closer. He really did step up and took care of me when most guys would run away. I really do appreciate how he stepped up because I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him as well.

After the abortion, I felt a part of me missing. I remember thinking “I just killed my baby”. I was in so much pain. I felt so guilty and ashamed. How as a woman, I can do something so terrible? How as a JEWISH WOMAN, tell Hashem I don’t want one of the greatest blessing I was given? Post abortion, I tried talking to my ex boyfriend and friends and I was dismissed and ignored. I was so depressed. Also, my hormones were still not 100%. It just felt like now that the pregnancy wasn’t an issue anymore, everyone was able to go back to their own lives while I’m still in shock and traumatized of what just happened.

A month later, my ex boyfriend broke up with me. Didn’t really give me an actual reason of why. The reasons were different any time.

I was in shambles. Not from the breakup itself but the principle of it all. Not only losing someone who I loved but whose baby was once inside of me.

Anyways, I’m doing much better now bh. However, I still feel so guilty and ashamed the fact that I aborted my baby. The fact that he gets to move on with his life while I have to live with what I’ve done for the rest of my life. I’m still not over the abortion. I guess it’s hard since my ex boyfriend won’t talk to me when he knows what I went through. He was there through it all. He saw everything but he left. He gets to go out, date, have fun, maybe talk shit about me while I’m grieving for losing our baby.

Like I said, I’m not hurt that he doesn’t want me, I’m hurt from the principle of everything that came with the breakup. I mean he claims he’s a good guy but doesn’t ask how I’m doing post abortion, doesn’t want to talk about it with me when I mention it, and then breaks up with me and victimizes me not realizing I just had an abortion only a month ago. A MONTH!!!

I’m praying to Hashem for my ex boyfriend and our baby. I add an extra candle when I light candles on Friday nights for our baby.

I just would appreciate any advice on how I can forgive myself for doing something like this? How can I forgive my ex boyfriend? I don’t want to feel ashamed or guilty. I don’t want to be in pain filled with hatred towards myself and my ex boyfriend. At the end of the day things happen for a reason and people do what they think is right. I just want to heal and move on from this. I’m sometimes scared Hashem is going to punish me for what I did. I’m scared I will have fertility issues when I’m actually ready to have a baby. I’m so scared and I’m in pain.