Needing Support this Shabbat

Hi, sorry in advance for the sad post. I’m really struggling and don’t seem to have anyone IRL to help. I live in a tiny Jewish community, and I am on my own – no family around. I have for years gone to Chabad for Friday night dinners – they host regularly. I really thought I was part of the community – I donate when I can, I help out where I can. But before the Chagim they abruptly (but in a friendly way) told me that I was getting too old to come for Friday nights after the Chagim ended (they cater to students under 30, and I’m a young professional in my 30s).

So…tonight’s my first Shabbat alone in ages. I understand somewhat their having a target demographic. But I felt that I was more than just a number…I was someone who was trying to connect with and contribute to our community. I also am a BT and really this was my main way of keeping my connection to Judaism strong. I’m autistic and can’t read people well, but I thought I was doing a good job.

Perhaps I’m taking it too hard. But I am. I cried all the way home from work. I’m crying now as I write this, in fact, I can’t stop. I can’t bring myself to do any mitzvoth….it just reminds me that somewhere is a nice place where people are happy and singing qiddush and lighting candles together…and that I’m not there. And my family hates that I’m religious, so I can’t talk to them without a lecture about how I got myself into this mess and it’s my own fault. I don’t know what to do or how to cope with this. I not only feel very alone…I am very alone. For the first time ever I’m starting to wonder if becoming religious was even worth it. And that makes me sad, because I care a lot about it.

I just really need a friend/kind words/something.