Is it hindering my relationship with God to have anorexia? (Tw for…anorexia)

I’ve had on and off anorexia since middle school, even though I was naturally skinny back then. I don’t wanna get too into it because I don’t think the details are important for what I’m asking but basically the reasoning is 1. I hate how I look unless I’m stick-thin 2. Due to my OCD I feel like I lack control, this gives me a sense of control and 3. I get so many compliments when I rapidly lose weight (even from people who know about my history of eating disorders). I know I could just eat healthy and work out, but I wanna be underweight, plus I can never get myself to eat healthy—I either snack way too much or starve myself, there’s no in between. I know it’s terrible but I don’t wanna address it in therapy, I don’t really want help with it. I’ll consider telling my therapist though if this is setting me apart from God.

My worries though are that it’s making me a “bad jew” (for lack of a better term—sorry, I hate that term. Hopefully it’s clear what I mean). I’ve never met another jew who starves themselves, I’m afraid I’m the only one. Everyone at shul seems to have a great relationship with food, I go every shabbat and everyone else is always eating, sometimes discussing the food, while I usually just have a cup of water.

I’m pretty sure it goes against the concept of pikuach nefesh, even though I’m not doing it to end my life, I know it can cause death. I’m worried this is hurting my relationship with God, cause I know what I’m doing goes against Judaism, but I still continue to do it. I don’t think, or at least I hope this doesn’t mean I value skinniness, praise, and control over Judaism, but I don’t know. I feel awful if that’s the case.

Also, earlier at Shabbat services I couldn’t pay attention to the rabbi’s drash (which I’m disappointed about because it sounded like it was gonna be really interesting but I zoned out) because I kept thinking about how I could squeeze in more exercise, excuses for not eating, and the stuff I talked about earlier in the post.

Not to mention Shabbat meals have become really hard for me because I’m too busy trying to make myself look like I’m eating more than I am to actually enjoy them.

I know what I’m doing is bad, I don’t want any commentary on why this is bad from a secular standpoint because I’m sure I’ve heard it all before (from when my parents have forced me to recover several times before), I just wanna know how this impacts me from a religious standpoint.

Edit: forgot to add, I wear a חי necklace every day, it’s very significant to me because I started wearing it when I stopped being suicidal and also when I started to become more religious, but I’m afraid I’m a fraud wearing it because I care more about starving myself than my own life