I had to leave the Seder before it even started. I feel so isolated.

Long post. Skip it if you don’t have the time or energy.

Please, if you can’t say something nice say nothing at all, because I am very fragile right now.

My shul serves a reform community and a conservative community. I fall into the conservative side but for much of the time I’ve tried to be part of both. Today officially marks the end of that…

Every single time I show up to a reform service or any sort of gathering, people look at me like I have 3 eyes or something. They avoid me and treat me like a ghost. Today was no exception and I’m just completely and utterly done.

The one person who cared enough to actually talk to me (actually even gave me a gift, that was very nice.) got invited to sit at a table without me right in front of me when I had literally just asked him to sit with me. It was baffling. And we had both been obviously not sure where to sit for many minutes. Then when I did pick a seat the people who sat down with me didn’t even try to connect to me at all. To top it off their tween daughters were gossiping about me to themselves right in front of me. It was horrifying.

I have extreme social anxiety and just how crowded the venue was was enough to make my head spin, but I couldn’t handle that. It was too much. I was bullied relentlessly in school too so I’m especially sensitive to the gossiping crap.

I think it’s because of the way I dress. I dress modestly and cover my head with at least a bandana if not a tichel. My dress would not meet frum standards as I understand them, but it’s enough to distinguish me as “different.” I did once actually have someone ask me if I was Orthodox at a mixed congregation gathering which made me laugh out loud, I am non-binary and partnered with an atheist woman.

Since starting to dress this way I’ve noticed I’m treated with more respect by my fellow Conservative Jews and with less respect from Reform!! But with all factors of my identity considered, shouldn’t I fit in better with reform?

This is the only shul in town besides a Chabad so small the Rabbi once tried to bribe my friend into attending their HHD services instead. He also openly talks crap about our lesbian Rabbis. (No, I won’t tell you which Chabad.) It’s slim pickings here.

Over the summer I was once given some insight into why they treat me this way, which is why I’m so certain it’s how I dress. I was in a trief chain pizza restaurant and I noticed a family I recognized sitting and eating pepperoni pizza while I was waiting for my order. (Which was vegetarian yeah. But how would they know? I ordered online.) One of the kids said something about “oh she’s Jewish too” quietly to the mom. When the mom recognized me she whispered something along the lines of “we better get out of here before we get judged.” Like I only heard anything because the place was dead quiet. I pretended not to notice but it stung really bad. Every time I’ve seen her since then if I even attempted to make eye contact or anything she actively avoids me!

I suppose seeing someone they perceive as performing more Jewishly than them makes them insecure about their own Judaism? That’s what I can take away from that. But it’s such BS. I am a very lax Jew, with a particular taste in fashion. That’s it.

But yeah I ended up bawling my eyes out in the hallway next to my 3 year old daughter. Nobody cared. The one person I knew would care and does care wasn’t there yet and was running very late. He knows the whole situation and is very sad for me. I wish I could have seen him and his husband tonight but I simply couldn’t sit through being stared at and/or ignored any longer.

I should talk to my Rabbi about this but she’s already so busy. And she just got back from Sabbatical, I’m sure she’s gonna be overwhelmed because everyone’s so happy to have her back.

If you read all of this and don’t think I’m stupid or annoying, or even if you do and are going to keep it to yourself as I asked, I appreciate you. Hope your Pesach goes better than mine.