From e(x)vangelical to Jewish?

I’m wrestling, and looking for guidance. I’m hopeful to find some starting points here. I’ll ask your forgiveness in advance for using the wrong terms, words, etc.

I grew up Southern Baptist. I was in the church 3x every week at a minimum, went to summer camps, revivals, etc. Like a lot of kids of evangelicals, I feel like much of what I committed to I did for acceptance and not because of actual belief. Once I was out on my own, I stopped attending church, though I did still identify as a Christian. I just didn’t like what organized religion looked like and didn’t want to be part of it.

Some years later, I married into a family of Christian belief with Jewish background. We attended a nondenominational church with heavy Jewish influence. I started to really fall in love with the traditions, the stories, and the meaning behind both the celebrations and the not-so-celebratory observances. But at the same time, I felt further and further from “christian.” I had an increasingly difficult time with the idea that there was this all-knowing, all-loving God who was looking for any excuse to punish the world.

When my marriage ended, I fully turned away from what was left of my religious beliefs. I suppose that right now I would best identify as secular humanist, but even that doesn’t really fit. I do believe that there is some sort of higher power. I just don’t know that it fits what I’ve been taught that God is.

So with that background, here’s where I am now:

1. I still feel a huge draw toward Judaism. But I don’t know if maybe my best move is to see it as an academic exploration rather than a religious transition.
2. I still wrestle with the idea that this loving God, who created us in His image, also allows such tragedy. How do you balance that?
3. I think that i’m searching for community, and meaning. Something bigger than myself. But I don’t want to “use” the faith or its people.

I guess I’m just sort of lost. I don’t know that any amount of studying will overcome the arguments that I feel against what I know as God. But maybe I’ll find something that changes my mind. I want to.