Worries about assimilation

Hello. I hope the High Holy Days have been good and your sukkot are sturdy. I observed for the first time in some time, and because of that have been having some thoughts about Judaism in my life. Below is some meandering mishegoss:

I’m a pretty regular Ashkenazi Jew in the US, for the most part. I was raised exclusively Jewishly, attended school at synagogue after regular school a few times per week, and observed the major holidays with my immediate family. Jewish life growing up was good, but antisemitism was and is a problem for me. I’ve been slowly drifting away from Judaism since my bar mitzvah and through college until I went on Birthright and a friend very kindly invited me to his family’s seder. Where I go to college, the Jewish makeup is comparatively small to my hometown of about 50%.

Going to services and fasting was fulfilling and felt like a return to home, it felt right, but on the other hand I was basically out of sync and am behind on homework, for instance. There’s a part in me that says to just not do anything and assimilate, it’s easier. I imagine some of you would just tell me to go to Chabad or talk to a rabbi, but the problem is they probably won’t accept me or find this dilemma worthwhile because I only have a Jewish father. I very, very strongly relate to these posts. Due to this, for me, it seems staving off assimilation is way harder than usual because it feels like a process already in action I can’t stop. I can only do so much anyway since so many Jews don’t accept my connection to the nation or religion as legitimate and full.

While I was raised exclusively Jewish by my dad, I didn’t see the Jewish side of my extended family, and I think it is partly due to me being a product of intermarriage. My dad grew up practicing a lot but does little now. Largely alone, what I have been able to do lately is learn about the history and the culture, occasionally with my dad, which has been great. It’s helped me understand where I partly come from and why I am the way I am. However, anyone can do that whether they’re Jewish or not. It’s easy to make hamantaschen or play Tumbalalaika (sorry this is Ashkenormative) or find books or high-quality memes on r/JewDank. Maybe it means something a little different to me than a gentile with zero Jewish connection, but it still isn’t everything. As for things like Hillel, it’s nice but stressful realizing that some people may treat me differently if they discover my background.

Above all, learning history and culture aren’t getting involved in the community and actively practicing. If I don’t do those, then any traces of Judaism in my family will just dissolve forever, I won’t be able to preserve them and no one else in my family will. In some ways, it just feels like they’re already gone. My family doesn’t even have seders anymore. Thinking about solutions, being circumscribed to Reform forever isn’t right, but on the other hand a beis din doesn’t seem appropriate either for me. Even though I said I would like to practice more, I don’t think I would be as observant or faithful as Orthodox Jews. I want to live in the modern secular world (believing in science, that women can do the same things as men, etc.) and continue to meet people from diverse backgrounds. I’m unsure I believe in G-d, but if not then He’s probably fine with it. Practicing would be culturally or socially motivated, certainly more so than belief. I would drive on Shabbat and can’t see myself davening three times a day.

I’m lost, as you may be able to see, so I feel like the best option is to just write here to get some direction and confidence. I’m sorry if these types of posts here seem repetitive but being exiled from an exile is quite the personal/identity crisis. I don’t really know what to ask, just like Dan, the guy in the first post I linked, but if you have just new advice (i.e., not “you can go to a Reform shul, but only in the US”) or just something to start some discussion I would be extremely grateful.

Thank you for making it to the end of my post and for any advice in advance!