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When do you light a candle/say Kaddish for someone if you don’t know the precise date of their death?

Pretty much the title.

I had an uncle who passed away when I was a kid, and I don’t actually know the date of his yahrzeit. I remember that he passed sometime around my grandfather’s (his father’s) yahrzeit, and it may have even actually been on his yahrzeit, but I was pretty young and I don’t remember for sure. I’ve tried looking online for an obituary, but I haven’t been able to find anything.

Ordinarily, I’d just ask my mom, but my family is pretty resistant when it comes to talking about my uncle and his death, and even if I could get an answer, more than anything, I think I’d just upset her. I know she doesn’t light a candle for him, and I don’t think she says Kaddish either, and I don’t know why.

This year will be 15 years since he passed, and I’d like to start saying Kaddish and lighting a candle for him. I was thinking I could use my grandfather’s yahrzeit as an opportunity to remember them both, but I’m wondering if there’s any specific way one is supposed to celebrate the memory of someone who’s yahrzeit isn’t known.

I’m also curious if there’s any halachic reason not to say Kaddish for someone- I’ve always assumed that my mom just hasn’t processed the trauma of losing a sibling when he was so young, and saying Kaddish or lighting a candle might force her to confront some things she isn’t ready to deal with, but I wonder if there could be a more Jewish explanation.

And I’m sure I’ll get some “talk to your Rabbi”s, and I do plan to at some point, but I’d like to hear if other folks have similar situations in their own families and how they approach them.

submitted by /u/throwaway_nfgighhhth
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Source: Reditt