I (25f) lost my fiance 3 days before my birthday. We were planning on moving in together before he passed away.
I don’t want riches, cars, or a fancy mansion I just want a modest home with someone who loves me and vice versa.
I kinda feel like I am on God’s hit list…
Sexually abused aged 10-12. Overlapped with when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She had a cardiac arrest during chemo and shortly after tried to off herself. My step father came and got me up telling me to deal with it as he went to go watch TV. I called the ambulance and made her sick to get the pills out.
All happened while being bullied. Eventually my mom divorced him for cheating only to be fucked over in the divorce and leave with me, penniless.
I started selfharming and continued to be bullied I school. She met my 2nd step father who was a narcissistic abuser. He abused us both emotionally a lot. It climaxed with him hunting us down everywhere and us moving every 3-6 months. He would stalk me at school, her at work. We had restraining orders that didn’t do anything. I lost everyone slowly. My ex said I was a bad person for not being able to get my self out at 19. That I was abusive too and deserved him stonewalling me and eventually giving em the silent treatment for 4 days before breaking up with me.
I thought I had finally met my person, the love of my life. He died from a surgery that is preformed routinely. There was a 2-4% chance he would die and he did. He was the good thing I was working towards and…
I just don’t understand why it’s all been so negative? What did I do wrong? Is it because I don’t pray enough? Because I haven’t prioritized religion? Am I just a bad person who deserves it?
Really just hanging on by a thread here.
Edit- should add I’ve been to many kinds of therapy I the last 10 odd years. So all good there.