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Under pressure for BT Journey

Hi, I have been religious for 15 years now. I have had some ups and downs (I am a young single adult). I did NCSY in high school and I transferred from public to Jewish school for 12th grade. I remember when I was younger I found it offensive to be called inspirational like I did not want that pressure and I felt like I was never going to be good enough for Hashem. I have a supportive and professional network to go to and have had one for a good chunk of my life. I learned that when people gaslight and make manipulative comments it triggers me mentally and when I get anxious I feel like mentally out of it. I take appropriate medication. I am working remotely now in a good job.

When I was younger, I felt very overwhelmed by the community because I was interested in a chassisish (no chabad) life and the peanut gallery pushed back, gaslight, triggered me. People would say I was inspirational and I even remember politely refusing to speak about my journey at a kiruv school. I was bullied at a Heimish company and my manager manipulated me into developing a friendship with a boy who was mentally ill and it was really bad. He stalked me and harassed me. The manager was physically aggressive towards me. I stopped feeling like myself. I stopped dressing modestly but continued keeping shabbos and wearing skirts.

I started mentally feeling better this past year. I bought a modest wardrobe. I dated many modern Orthodox boys and nothing really panned out. I am still single. I felt like I couldn’t relate. I really prefer a chassidish lifestyle. I have still dated guys who are yeshivish but I literally have to deny to them that I would date a chassidish person because it’s a deal breaker for them that they marry someone without a chassidish leaning but if I marry someone not chassidish I would not raise a chassidish family so it’s not relevant to them.

The thing is that I am getting older. I want to start dressing more chassidish but I don’t want the peanut gallery to bother me. I also don’t want to be triggered and I plan to continue having mental health care based on what I need to be doing. Has anyone on here become Boro Park styled chassidish that did not grow up that way? How did you handle the pressure? I should add that chassidish people who know me think it’s okay for me to be making these changes.

submitted by /u/OkAcanthaceae3082
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Source: Reditt