The loss of a friend, anyone with similar experiences.

I have been very hesitate in posting this but I don’t know where else to talk about it, irl no one wants to hear about it anymore, people here have also been so amazing and supportive that I feel safe here. Irl I’m expected to have moved on by now, after all I have other friends, family so they say but anyone who ever lost someone in any capacity knows that you can’t really replace people.

I have a very dear and beloved friend, someone that is like a sibbing to me, someone I have unconditional love for, someone whose friendship is everything to me, someone with whom I shared everything, someone with whom I had conversations in silence because just looking at each other we knew what the other was thinking.

This dear and beloved friend decided that yiddishkeit was no longer their path, I understood their reasons and their choice, never once pushed for them to remain frum or tried to convince them of anything, I was just there for them. Once they left frumkeit they cut contact with everyone they knew, this included me and I have tried to understand their reasons, I have not heard from them in almost two years, during this time I reached out only twice, trying to be respectful of their choice, given them space etc They changed all their contact information so I’m no longer able to reach out even if I want to.

I wish I could describe the grief, pain and anguish I have been going through over the loss of my dear friend, it feels like a death and I’m not able to move forward, to have any closure. I have gone through several other losses and tragedies like I have posted here and I wish I could tell my dear friend about it like I used to, lean on them like I used to, hear their words of wisdom, advice, their silly jokes but mostly that silence that told me everything I needed to know without words. To make things worse I have heard from their family that they know they struggling with addiction, possibly mental illness and I want to reach out but don’t even have how.

Tonight the pain of their absence is crushing, I miss them so much, I feel I can barely breath. I’m not sure what I hope with this post, tonight just feels so unberable, I would just give everything for one more conversation with my dear friend.