The holidays make me sad

I (24f) was raised knowing I was Jewish, but not practicing due to my father’s Christianity. We were allowed very minimal Jewish celebrations of the holidays, mainly just minor recognition that they were going on. A little menorah would sit next to the Christmas tree, for example. I loved that little menorah and always wanted to know more and do more, but it wasn’t ever honored by my parents.

Some background on my family. My own mother wasn’t raised very religious. From what she has told me, much of the Judaism in our family was left behind in Europe when the family escaped. When my mom would ask questions about the family and Judaism, my great grandma/Bubbie would not discuss things. I can only assume that Bubbie endured things that made it very difficult to relive, thus, her choice not to talk about her life or faith. So I don’t necessarily blame my mother for not having taught me. I know she didn’t have much knowledge to lean on and my father was not supportive of having Judaism practiced in the home. But now, as an adult, I desperately want to connect with Judaism and learn. That desperation feels even more aching than ever before since I am pregnant and know I do not have the knowledge to give my child the upbringing I so desperately wish I would have had.

I now live in a rural community 3+ hours away from a synagogue and I only know of one other Jewish person in my town. She is a medical professional I see so it would not be appropriate to ask for cultural/religious support. As much as I try to educate myself about Judaism through reading and research, or try platforms that set me up with other Jewish people to study with, I find there really is not anything that substitutes having a community to gather with and learn from.

My little menorah is sitting out. I wish I was more capable of celebrating “right,” but for now that’s what this particular holiday looks like for me. I hope one day I have a community to celebrate with.