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Struggling with where I fit in

Some of you have been helpful and accepting in comments I’ve left on other threads so I figured I might as well post this here.

I left Jewish practice 7 years ago after stupidly getting drawn in by Chabad and having a very, very bad falling out culminating with me basically being abandoned on the streets of Jerusalem on a Friday night during birth right, left to find my own way back to the hotel. Before that I grew up in a fairly traditional leaning conservative synagogue which was kind of my entire childhood before college since my mom worked there.

After I went through an angry period where I probably would best be described as a self hating Jew for a few months before calming down and focusing on myself for a few years. I transitioned 4 years ago and have been in a much better place mentally ever since. Initially, I felt very detached from my childhood including my Jewish upbringing. I basically went as far the other direction as you can go practicing Wicca and praying to Artemis which I know must horrify a few people here but its where my mind was at back then. I’ve always had a witchy spiritual streak which is probably what really attracted me to Chabad initially.

Recently, I ended up moving to NYC from South Florida for work and have felt myself mentally being drawn back more and more. The thing is I have fairly non conventional theological views and while I don’t pray to Artemis anymore I still do practice magic in a very non religious sense. For me its a way to feel like I have some control over my life and I never got that from Judaism. I need it mentally in the same way I need estrogen.

I also miss some of the stuff I grew up with though especially after my mom died at the end of August. I miss holidays and I miss some of the prayers and the community I grew up in (conservative synagogue that had orthodox tendencies complete with an orthodox minyan with a mechitzah). I’ve been mostly trying to deal with these feelings through films like Shiva Baby and Tahara along with screenplays of my own. I kind of want more but while I know there’s LGBT friendly synagogues out there I’m not sure if they would tolerate the whole magic side of me. I’d be very receptive to framing it all in a Jewish friendly way but I’m not really looking to align myself theologically right now as much as I am looking for a place to belong with other Jews especially with everything going on right now. If anyone has any suggestions on how to go about looking for someplace to belong given how unconventionally Jewish I am in so many ways I’d appreciate it so much.

If anyone from Chabad is in this group I’m going to also ask in advance please do not contact me or respond to this post. I’ve been harassed before when people found out I left and I am just not up for that.

submitted by /u/stepheffects
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Source: Reditt