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Shabbes oy

So this will be reasonably long and rambling…

For about 20 years I have been an outwardly Orthodox Jew who smoked on shabbes and treyf and casual sex fests

I still learn Torah regularly (and also strangely) and pray 3 times a day, lay tefillin and still have my omer bracha.

I became frum via chabad on an intensely anti semitic campus (Sussex) amidst a mental breakdown.

I was raised by two Jewish parents, one progressive and one aethist.

I have two sisters (and 4 nephews and 2 nieces). One married out and the other is married to a progressive Rabbi.

I suffer from something called schizo affective disorder which is all the fun of bipolar mixed with schizophrenia although I maintain I just used too many hallucinogens in my youth and am a passionate person.

So on the plus after a twenty year struggle my mental health is now quite stable and I have significant clean time from psychotropic drugs.

The upshot of this is I am seriously associating my previous religious fervor with my delusional beliefs.

One of the main ones was that I was moshiach.

So I am not sure why I am telling you all this just I think looking for people with similar experiences and advice.

I love my community (golders green) in many ways but am fed up of everyone knowing each other’s business and the frum police.

It does actually relate to shabbat because the idea I was sold of ‘heliger shabbes ‘ is something I have never found in reality.

Either I am too insensitive to feel shabbat kodesh or it’s an erroneous concept.

I’ve gone into total rejection of orthodoxy before and become very depressed and angry and then come ‘back to faith’

I don’t even know if I need to do anything drastic maybe I am slowly but surely finding my place in society.

Tl:Dr crazy bt questioning faith wants support and advice.

submitted by /u/Confident_War_7009
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Source: Reditt