I’m writing this down with all my heart while I’m internally crying my tears out. I’m a 16 year old Muslim (not really, but I guess it gives you an idea) guy who lives in a Muslim majority country with apostasy laws and anti-Semitic & anti-Zionist parents (doesn’t sound relavent right now but I’ll come to this in a minute ). I know I might not sound so serious since I’m just 16 and I completely understand that. Judaism (and being Jewish) has always been something that I can’t seperate from myself. I have this satisfyingly strong gravitation and attraction towards Judaism since as long as I can remember. Words cannot explain it. I feel as if deep down I actually am a Jew. It sounds weird but the more closer I am to everything Jewish (including everything about Judaism), the better and happy and calm I feel and the more farther I go, the worse I get. It low-key gives me an identity crisis in a good way. I know deep down that I’m Jewish (and deemed to be Jewish) but also know that I’m not Jewish at the same time and have to put up a facade of Muslimness (?) so I don’t actually get beaten up till I bleed in the best case (don’t get the wrong idea, I love my parents and I completely understand why they would do that. It’s not their fault. It’s probably me. It’s me. I can’t help it either. It’s either me or them. I swear to G-d, a part of me would completely die if I don’t get to experience the joys of being Jewish) or be killed in the worst case scenario. The prospects of not being a Jew gives me severe anxiety and panic attacks and I feel really depressed just fathoming over how somehow just somehow I wouldn’t be able to become a Jew. Such is my seriousness that I planned everything from start to finish. The city I’m going to convert in, the name of the Rabbi, the questions I’m going to ask, among other things. As you can tell, I’m 16. I might seem too young but I can tell you one thing for sure, I’m actually really good at making future plans. So, I decided I want to attend a university in NYC and not Israel (here’s the minute, my parents are anti-Zionist. Even though I would prefer to convert in Israel, I just can’t.) You might ask how’s attending a university relavent to this? Well it kind of is. You see, I’m basically trapped. My parents and especially my lowkey abusive dad is super strict with everything (I can’t really even go out with “friends”, I admit I kind of was robbed of every kids dream. Also, It’s not like I sport a full on beard either or am forced into reading the Quran (also I’m very very well versed in Islam and know what I’m doing and it’s not like I’m too distant from Islam and thus seeking “spirituality” from other sources. No. It’s not a phase, it’s just who I am. I’ve always felt very Jewish. I know what I’m doing is right and nobody is changing my mind). Like honestly, Islam feels so so wrong for and to me (not like I’m disgusted but you get the idea.). I’ve also incorporated some Judaism in my day to day life already (like some Kosher laws, modesty laws, etc). It’s always like everything that’s always happened has led me to this point. This point of realization that I am deep down Jewish. It’s honestly so hard to explain.) The only way now to get out and convert is a STUDENT VISA. Ah, that’s comparable to gold to me. So I planned out some universities I’m going to attend there, and now I’m feeling super let down, depressed accompanied with severe panic attacks here and there. The reason being, what if I don’t get accepted to either of those universities on my college list? It haunts me every day and night. Also, there’s my dad again forcing me to go to another Muslim country (with virtually no Jews so I stand no chance at converting) to attend university (for him USA is basically a big nightclub where people dance and do drugs) but he’s also accepting of the fact that I could go attend an university in USA. Why NYC? Well there is a good Jewish stronghold there (I’m going for Orthodox by the way which is kind of rare to find outside Israel) but I’m also open to other places to go to convert in (again, with a student visa so please be considerate of that. Any place anywhere in the world is fine which bring me to the main part of this whole life story of mine.
(Also, I might require full ride at universities and this kind of messes up my prospects of actually standing a chance I guess at any of the NYC universities since my dad’s a bit of an obsessive and hoarder maniac so we don’t have much in savings)
So, I wanted to know what my other options are? What do I do? Any other place I could go where there’s a legit Jewish community with any universities that give full ride? Like I’m actually panicking right now as I write this (might as well be crying in a few minutes too but alright). I LITERALLY NEED HELP SORTING EVERYTHING OUT. I’d rather die than not convert since it’s more peaceful than this everyday torment I go through. I know for sure all the problems on my own very little world will be solved if I could just be Jewish. I’d feel more confident, in a better mental state etc. I seriously don’t know what to type or ask now. I high-key need help with everything right now. What country do I go to? Is the education free there? What are my scholarship options? The states is my first choice and I’d appreciate any help with what university to attend (their costs etc too) and where to go. I hope you get what I actually mean. I just can’t physically and mentally write or ask anything at this point. I just need a way out and convert this and/or next year at most (I’m graduating high school next year and applying to universities this year).