Sorry for the long post, TL;DR:
Grew up orthodox, stopped believing in god, starting to rediscover it and I feel conflicted.
I grew up orthodox in the Five Towns in New York (shout-out to any of my cedarhurst people) where it was very easy to be shomer Shabbos and to keep kosher. I was very into it, I loved Hashem and I loved being Jewish.
Shortly after my Bar Mitzvah, I moved to Texas with my mom and in the area we came to it became essentially impossible to keep kosher and keep Shabbos. I started going to public school and eventually lost my belief in god. Years passed and my disbelief grew stronger. I got married to a non-Jewish woman and sadly our first daughter passed away at 10 weeks old and instead of just not believing in god, I actively resented the idea of believing in god. Since then my wife and I have 2 beautiful kids. We started going to a reform Shul by my moms house for “tot Shabbat” for my kids and it reopened my eyes, however, conservative and reform should are just not my cup of tea. I find them a little too…performative…if that makes sense.
I’m now 37 and I just found out a few weeks ago that there is a Chabad only. 5 minute walk from my house. I’ve been going every Saturday and have really been loving davening, the community, and I find engaging in the rituals extremely comforting.
My worry is that I still feel like I’m not there with believing in Hashem. Beyond that, I’m not shomer shabbos, I don’t keep kosher, and I’ve got a number of tattoos.
Am I lying to the rabbi? To myself? What if I’m just riding the nostalgia high and I’m not doing it for the right reasons? My wife says if it feels good I should do it, I don’t need any further justification, but I feel like I’m not being honest.