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Recommended passages from the Torah to find solace after an abortion

Hi guys. I feel kinda dumb for posting here again, but here is an update on my conversion. I got in contact with the rabbi who works at Hillel in my university and he directed me to the beit din in our area, and I am in the process of filling out a form which I will send to them. I am on track to starting the formal process of orthodox conversion in September!! 🙂

However, being in the house all the time and all, something’s been heavy on my mind lately. Last year in June, I got pregnant by my ex boyfriend who is Jewish by birth (Russian Jewish mum, Japanese dad) and I wanted to put the baby up for open adoption. He wasn’t on board with the idea because we were 17 and 18 and about to go off to college; he wanted the chance to be a dad and he didn’t wanna sacrifice his education (understandably). He had been struggling with mental health for years, and he threatened to kill himself if I didn’t get an abortion. My parents told me I couldn’t get an education if I didn’t get one either. I loved my ex and I didn’t want him to die, and so I had the abortion done.

I know it is Halacha to have an abortion in Orthodox Judaism. My ex was conservative, but since he knew I was interested in conversion, he showed me a passage in I think the Shulchan Aruch that permitted abortion to convince me that it wouldn’t be wrong in G-d’s eyes. My abortion was a large driving force that finally convinced me to take the plunge and convert – I had felt so much love, acceptance, and comfort from G-d and I knew He was always looking out for me. I wanted and want to be closer to him in any way possible, and for me, that’s conversion. I have however felt a lot of grief since my abortion. I’ve been a lot better recently (like April to now) but before then, I was on the prolife sub pretending to be prolife when I’m not jusy so I could find some comfort. No one really sees grief after abortion as legitimate, but I knew they would. Again, I’m totally pro choice.

I was just hoping that you guys could recommend me some passages from one of the books (like the torah, the tanahk, or Shulchan Aruch) that kind of affirm my experience and allow me to feel a sense of protection and peace from G-d. I know I don’t deserve to feel so sad all the time since it’s been almost a year since the conception date, and almost a year since the procedure, but I can’t help how I feel. Please guys, help me find some passages. It will help me immensely with my daily readings I’ve been doing on my conversion journey too.

Thank you. ❤️❤️❤️

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