I’ve never really been the most religious of Jews Went to a Hebrew day school until 4th grade, moved away and much preferred my new public school I still was bar mitzvahd, attended synagogue occasionally with my father Hell, even worked at a JCC and taught Hebrew school
My father of blessed memory, on the other hand, was a very religious man. He passed in 2015 and I never really found closure in his death. I even went to a grief counseling session at a local synagogue and was told by one of the few attendees (all older women) that I shouldn’t come back because I cried and made her sad
Back to my father, he struggled with mental illness most of his adult life but found great solace in religion. In his younger days he was a regular at 770 and was very involved with chabad. In his later years he was proud to be members of two synagogues, (one lubavitch, one conservative), and a member of some such advisory board of one of them. Because he was disabled, he was unable to work much so he filled his off time when he wasnt with the family with prayer. It wasn’t uncommon to find him at the local synagogue at 2 on any given week day praying. He loved reading psalms and perikie avos.
After his death, I’ve definitely felt a reconnection with my faith. I’ve attended synagogue more often, gone to more events but I feel the need to perform Teshuva and Im not sure how to go about it
Though I did well in high school, I fell off the wagon in college. It took me longer to get my degree (due to my own mebtal health as well as substance abuse) and unfortunately he passed before I graduated. He died at 58, I was 25.
I know he loved me very much and would want the best for me. He encouraged me in all endeavors, was always up to watch pro wrestling or sports or just go out to eat and chat. He was truly one of the kindest men I knew. And I feel like I let him down big time.
Is there anything I can do to perform teshuva for this or to honor his memory?