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Mysticism, will a rabbi call me crazy?

Since last year, I’ve been making educational progress in Judaism on my own, and feel comfortable enough to talk to others about it now.

During various points over a multi-year period of my life, I had profound mystical experiences that have led to a strong belief in the one true G-d. While this isn’t my sole reason for conversion, sharing these experiences as a foundational reason for wanting to convert to a rabbi worries me due to certain elements that could be misunderstood as signs of mental illness. They’ve brought me a distinct and enduring spiritual conviction, only cognizable as tests that confirmed my belief, critically, in the context of how things of this nature could be delivered in the framework of Judaism.

I no longer have such intense mystical experiences, and I’ve been thoroughly open about them in clinical settings without receiving a diagnosis. While G-d didn’t speak to me literally, I felt profound connections, (possibly encountering His presence through the sefirahic shekinah,) which left indelible insights and a small but meaningful handful of synchronicities affirming my relationship with Him. These experiences were deeply personal and not prophetic, and felt more like an intermediary interior trial or series of lessons that brought me to where I am now.

Kabbalah has played a significant role in interpreting these experiences as you might’ve guessed, and it served as my first stepping stone into serious study and commitment to wider Judaism, beginning with the Torah. Conversion feels like a responsibility and inevitability rather than a choice. “The work is not yours to finish, but neither are you free to take no part in it.” in the words of Rabbi Tarfon.

Although I say it doesn’t feel like a choice, that’s in no way a frightening feeling, it’s quite the contrary. I’m making a gradual and responsible integration into this new way of life, driven by a practical duty and alignment with G-d’s commandments, as well as a desire to strengthen my understanding and relationship with Him. That is a lot more accessible and pragmatic in Jewish life and communities, which I’m otherwise alien to as a gentile.

While the premises of my reasoning may be easier to discuss in a Hasidic context, I’m concerned about being seen as a meshugener to any rabbi!

How can I navigate this? I feel like it would be dishonest not to disclose my mystical past, considering it’s foundational to my arrival at belief. I don’t have any specific timeline and think I’ll know when I’m ready to get involved with the local community to explore possible conversion, but truthfully I’m still afraid of being dismissed and would feel guilty being secretive.

I’d also appreciate any reading recommendations to articulate my concerns more formally, and would be glad to DM with anyone who might have advice contingent on more specific personal information about me or my experiences.

Thank you!!

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