My mother hates me because I’m Jewish

Some context: My mother converted to marry my dad, but her geirus and by extension whether or not I’m Jewish is a safek and I will have to do giyur l’chumra in the imminent future.

Years ago my mother in a fit of rage locked my sister in a lavatory and yelled at her and threatened her for hours, in fear for her safety my father called the police and she was detained in an asylum for three days. Today I sat down with her for dinner and she went on this tirade about how she believes my father somehow has ties to the Jewish mafia (he doesn’t) and it was in fact members of the mob rather than police officers that detained her. She’s developed a bizarre theory that all Jews in this country have ties to the mafia and are somehow able to access them at any time. I can’t escape the feeling that she hates the fact that I happen to be Jewish, both ethnically and religiously, and she somehow thinks that it’s racist for me to want to do giyur l’chumra and that I’m mentally deficient because I choose to believe in Orthodoxy. She spends much of our conversations together trying to convince me that my father’s responsible for a murder, so much so that I once saw her run out into the street in the middle of the night screaming to all of my neighbors that my father is a murderer. And she periodically seems to go into this trance like state where she flies into an almost bestial rage over minor infractions or inconveniences, and will be willing to do literally anything that could endanger herself or my family. For instance couple years ago (on my birthday no less) she tried to wrestle me to the ground completely unprovoked and only relented when my sister physically pried her off me, and she started screaming “이 리 와, 이 리 와!” (Korean for come here) as I tried to run away. On top of that, she’s decided to write me and my siblings out of her will today just spite us (I really don’t care about the money, it’s the thought that my mother cares so little about me that get’s me).

Beyond the more blatant difficulties about living in this predicament, it’s really hard for me to have any sense of self being born into the family I am. I feel the very core of my person is polarized in two divergent directions, I’m at once both Eastern and Western, a Jew and a Gentile, an American and a foreigner, and in consequence simply nothing at all. People think I’m self pitying or indulgent for being upset about my situation in this regard, but I find it difficult not to be. Almost every human being in the world has a people and they can say without hesitation they belong to, but I can’t, and perhaps I never will. Sorry for rambling, I just really needed to vent.