I’m Jewish, I know my family is, but the religion is foreign to me. My mother had me and left me with my grandparents. My grandmother had a brain tumor, so she wasn’t really “there” while I was growing up. My grandfather was the one who raised me. I grew up on a horse farm. I went to a small country Midwestern public school. I knew only one other Jewish family, and we weren’t close. I grew up with the horses, showing them, competing in races, and I had my music. Most of my time was spent on piano, saxophone, cornet, organ and violin. I had very few friends. I never celebrated Jewish holidays. I remember parents of my peers making snide remarks about me and my family and it always made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I’ve always had something wrong with me.
After I hit my teens, I started smoking cigarettes and drinking heavily. My drinking got me into legal trouble, ruined relationships, and left me full of regret. While I was on a drinking binge my grandfather died and I missed his funeral. It was probably for the best because my uncles can’t stand me because my mother had me out of wedlock. All the horses were sold, the farm was sold, everything gone and I was alone. The drinking continued until I was about 30 when I became pregnant. I’ve been cigarette and alcohol free since I had my one and only child. I’ve been with the same man for 14 years, but we aren’t married. The reason being my huge medical debt that continues to grow each year. Nonetheless, we’re together and we have no intention on living the rest of our lives without each other. He is an atheist. I still don’t practice any region. I have faith. More than ever now that I have my daughter. But there’s still something wrong with me. I’m missing something.
Is there any hope for me? I mean, will I ever fix this? Can I fix this? I’m almost 40 years old and I feel like I can’t confide in any Jewish communities because I’m “just starting”. I need help. Can anyone give me direction?