Judaism is the LOVE of my life… However, the laws after a loved one passes almost killed me.

I love Judaism. I love Shabbat. I love our traditions. I love my people. I cry everyday over the holocaust. This isn’t an attack in anyway on my people , much rather get something off my chest from an event that was extremely injurious to myself.

A family member of mine was sick with a very serious disease for over a year. It was hell watching this tzadik disintegrate in front of my eyes. After dwelling with no sleep In the hospital in the room with his sick bed for the final month of his life , it finally ended. It was hell on earth that destroyed me and my entire family. I never had to grieve anyone before , and I was so preoccupied with trying to save my family member’s life especially while being in denial that they wouldn’t die , I just didn’t even consider about what would happen after.

After being a caretaker for over a year and being a destroyed human from the illness I was truly wiped out. Mentally and physically my mind and body were exhausted. Immediately we called the chèvre Kaddisha. We did the funeral immediately one day later which was the absolute worst day of my life. I come home after the funeral and one month of barely any sleep , and I take a well deserved nap.

I get woken up from the guest house , and walk into my main house and there’s 150 people looking at me waiting for me to begin saying the Kaddish. Now, if someone were to get divorced and right after the divorce is finalized comes homes and there’s 150 people in their home , they would be LIVID. But someone watches their family member die in their arms after a month of no sleep along with a year of being a daily caretaker , and they’re just forced to pray and be surrounded by dozens of people? It was so CRUEL. The most important person in my life died in my hands , and not even 6 hours later I have 150 people in my house peer pressuring me to pray and make SURE I had to the Kaddish. 99% of my choices , we’ll being , and mental health weren’t even taken into consideration. Than the next 6 days people won’t leave you alone until they see you which is a nice gesture but even when someone doesn’t want too the community forces themselves on this person. It just added one extra week of hell after I went through a year of hell.