I’m scared, confused, and don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m not Jewish… but I’ve been thinking of converting recently. I was raised Catholic, and before your warning signals start going off about me I hate Catholicism with a passion. My involvement with the Church was traumatic due to its teachings and its cult-like community. It also made absolutely zero sense. Ever since leaving the Church (unofficially, although I’m trying to figure out how to officially leave), I’ve struggled a lot with religion/spirituality. I’ve been atheist, agnostic, and pagan, and I’ve switched between those all more times than I can count. It’s stressful. My relationship with spirituality/religion is so strained because of my Catholic upbringing that it’s painful for me to think about – but my life feels empty without it.

I’m scared of getting close to God again. I’m scared of getting involved with a religious community again. My health was frequently at stake when I involved myself with paganism. It doesn’t help that I’m LGBTQ+ and constantly scared of religion in general because of it.

I don’t know how to let myself just be and exist without fearing the judgement of others for my beliefs. I feel so alone. I know the universe is more than what we can physically see. I believe there is something out there, but I don’t know how to find it. What is God? Who is God? Is God the universe?

I’m sorry if I come off as ignorant or stupid. When I look at Judaism, I see a chance at spirituality again. Somewhere where I can learn new things without it being entirely foreign. I don’t know what kind of response I’m expecting, but I guess I just need some comforting words.