I don’t know where else I can talk about this, but luckily I found this community.
I have a serious issue. I am 20 years old and a college student. I am sabbath observant, keep kosher attend shul that even has a separation for the men and women. I wear my kippa from time to time (when I can find it really, other than that I’d really just go out without one).
Now here’s the issue. I (not fishing I swear) have always been a good looking and very luck full guy (with the women). And considering I live in this Jewish community, obviously we believe in Jewish marriage (and some even believe in shomer negiah). However… I’ve always been different. Every guy and girl always told me this. I’m not a rebel, nor angry at religion. I’m just different. I never was able to associate with the religious, nor the rebels or the modern. None really. However, when it came to being around non Jews I always fit in. It’s not about the beliefs or anything like that. I’m a strong believer in hashem, and I put on my tefillin every morning.
But to me… I was never able to connect with a Jewish girl… And it scares me. I understand some of you may think: “you can marry a non Jewish girl” yes I completely understand. But I’m coming from a background where this is looked down upon.
I haven’t even ever done anything sexually related. Personality wise, non Jewish girls have always been able to keep me at conversation, make me laugh, reel me in, while Jewish girls just never connected with me… only one girl did, and she revealed to only be Jewish through her father (which isn’t lawfully Jewish).
And by the way, as opposed to what many people would think, both girls to my eyes dress the same. In my community most girls dress in pants or leggings.
This one Jewish girl (let’s call her Rachel) was supposedly the most beautiful girl in my bio class. And honestly yes she was, she was really hot I’m not gonna lie. My friends told me they heard she actually liked me, so I made my move. She was wearing a crop top in leggings and beat up sneaks. I went up to her to talk to her (we were both freshmen). But when I spoke to her I just didn’t feel a connection. I didn’t feel anything. I ended up getting her number and Snapchat but I just didn’t care to message her or snap her.
Just now my friends and I do late night zoom calls of going on Omegle and chatting with random people, and I talked to this girl for about two hours straight! TWO. HOURS! I ended up asking her for her number (considering I’m that easily pressured and wasn’t thinking). I didn’t tell her I’m Jewish (I really don’t look Jewish at all lol). But she was so interesting and it kills me I wouldn’t be able to be with her. I’m not able to find a Jewish girl that’s like that. I don’t know why.
And my dumbass keeps putting myself in these situations where I can’t do shit. And it pisses me off and stresses the hell out of me.
The reason why this is giving me anxiety is because either I’d have to abandon my heritage and go for what I feel, or fake my feelings into a relationship until I feel something (which honestly sounds like the worst thing to my life).
Please tell me one of you went through this phase? I don’t think this is even a phase for me to be honest. Because I just have never fit in since I was a kid. I don’t know what I should do anymore.