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I regret converting (Orthodox)

TLDR: Converted Orthodox alone, bad experiences, and feeling cut off from God.

Hello. From childhood I have been dedicated to God. I felt God has given us a purpose on this Earth. I have had many miracles in my life, I KNOW God exists, and I wanted to dedicate my life to serving God. If there was a list of things God wanted for us to do on earth, I would do everything. I would pray to him every day and thank him for his blessings. And I felt He heard me, and I felt very close to God. I used to think of God as my best friend when I was a kid.

When reading the Bible and how God rescued the Jews from Egypt, with so many miracles, and giving them exact instructions really struck me. I thought you had to be born a Jew but when I found out you could convert, I moved to a big city and found a wonderful Rabbi. I spent 3 years studying Orthodox Judaism with him and other people converting. Every Shabbos and Chag I always had a place to eat. During this time I felt closer to God than ever.

I married an Orthodox man I did not know from the community. Everyone knew he was abusive but didn’t tell me a thing. During this time with him, the community distanced themselves from me.

He was abusive and threatened to kill me. He refused to give a Get until I decided to call every Rabbi to ask him for a Get. During this time, I did not have much money, but BH my community has a homeless shelter, where I could keep Shabbos and kosher, however I was the only frum person. I would have Shabbos by myself. My roommate was angry with me because I refused to turn her alarm off on Shabbos and some other conflicting things.

I would run into people from the community and when learning my situation, they would distance away some more. I would ask if I could come for Shabbos sometimes and they would not invite me.

I was not begging for money, I wasn’t trying to live in their homes for free, I just wanted to be a guest at Shabbos instead of the homeless shelter. I only wanted to be part of the community that I thought I was part of.

I covered my hair since I had been married but I hated it because it represented that awful marriage. I did not want to cover it anymore and asked the shul I would go to for years what they thought. They said I was not of their tradition and to go ask the Bet Din! I felt rejected because I thought THEY WERE my family, and I would follow their traditions.

There was an opportunity for to live in a seminary in New York and be immersed in Judaism that I wanted to go to very bad. I needed a sponsoring Rabbi, so I asked and was too I AM TOO OLD to learn. I was 34 at the time. I asked others and they also said I was TOO OLD and should focus on marriage and having kids before it was too late.

Things got better, an old friend started to invite me to Shabbos dinner and lunch again. I met my future husband there. He is a baal tshuva and went to my old community’s shul. So I started going there again and all the people who did not care about me when I needed a friend acted like they were so happy to see me again. I was still hurting so much.

Throughout this time, I was strict no matter what. But going back to shul, seeing those people who did not care, told I am TOO OLD, and being cut out of what I thought in my heart and was TOLD was my “family” I felt so distanced. I felt like not having Jewish ancestry and converted alone I AM ALONE.

Not being part of a “family”, I feel separate from Hashem. I do not feel like I even converted. I tell my husband my feelings and he says being a convert makes me as much a Jew as anyone. He is Ashkenaz on both sides of his family but they were not frum.

I do keep strict Shabbos & kosher. I had gone through the motions of davening and the holidays for a while. I don’t say the Amidah or anything else. No Tehillim. I don’t study anymore, no interest in going to meals, go to shul, read the Torah portion, nothing. Shema if I remember. And now I don’t even go to the mikvah. My husband knows this and says it doesn’t bother him. I say Modah Ani, morning blessings and bracha rishona on food. I’ll bentch for Shabbos but that’s about it.

When we are invited to eat somewhere I don’t want to go. My husband, a baal tshuva won’t go places without me. I am holding him back…. I think though, we are all on our own path and I cannot control what he does. He has a hard time being motivated to daven and put tefillin on and everything too.

I feel like I can’t even talk to Hashem anymore. I am embarrassed. I promised to keep the mitzvos. Every mitzvah I don’t do, every prayer, makes me more and more “BAD” I guess, in the eyes of Hashem.

I didn’t do the Amidah today so how can I face Hashem and talk to him? I didn’t read the Torah Portion or know which one it is, how can I face Hashem? I went outside to get the mail without covering my hair! How can I face Hashem?

How can I face Hashem?

submitted by /u/Dorothy2023
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Source: Reditt