Ok, so i’m a goy, but I’ve always been attracted to the religion of Judiasm. I’ve always liked to to talk to Jewish friends about the religion and I’ve always liked to read Jewish websites like Chabad and so on and so on. I support Israel and i’ve kept up the 7 noahhide rules roughly speaking. I’ve always integrated some jewish beliefs in the daily routine (I always pray in the direction of Jerusalem, I keep my head covered but instead of a kippah I use a baseball cap to generally be true and show off my American culture.).
I grew up in a family that stuck together and had lots of problems, ie gambling addiction, alcohol addiction, cigarrete addictions, etc. So religiously my family kinda split in two different directions, Father was a catholic earlier, but he basically became an agnostic as he slipped further into an alcoholic condition. The mother I have is a treasure and even had a German-Jewish surname (but I don’t know which it is because we don’t have her genology) and she ended up growing up later in a Penecostal family, so that was the religion she tried to get me in to. As you may already know about it. Penetcostalism isn’t the type of religion to draw people into it. If anything, in personal experience, it drove me to atheist thought and brought spiritual unhappiness for several years when all I actually really wanted to do was connect with G-d.
In the past few years, I’ve talked to more and more Jewish people, and I’ve gotten this sort of magnetic pull to the religion I can’t really describe it. I feel like I was meant to be apart of this religion. I like it’s symbology into everyday living, I like the overall theology, I enjoy a lot of the aesthetics, etc.
I would like to convert to this religion and join your people before I end up kicking the bucket in the many decades from this point. I legit feel like it would give me the narrative that’s always been absent in my life and be able to fully connect me to the spirit of G-d which I felt has always been absent throughout.
I have several problems with this obstacle however:
-I don’t live near a synagogue or a Chabad house. I live in the smackdab of nowhere in Oklahoma. There’s a few synagogues in Oklahoma City (A place I don’t want to live in) and Tulsa, but jewry is virtually non existent outside of these two cities in the areas I live in.
-I have a background in material poverty. I don’t have a college degree or much job experience beyond a parttime fast food job. So I don’t really have the resources to just up and move there. I am also in $7000 of house debt currently. The parents I have too generally have medical conditions the family keeps track of (so father has the alcohol thing I told you about, and my mom has congestinal heart failure going on. There’s all kinds of problems going on currently in the long run that really just kinda wear you down there spiritually.)
-So even if i got past all of this I am worried I wouldn’t be accepted. I know Judaism has a folkish/tribal element to it, I currently have things like a British goyish name actually. I also get large anxiety when meeting entire groups of people there that are new which bogs me a lot I think.
I would personally like to be able to find a job in this small place and I generally pray to G-d every day in the hopes it someday will get better and I along with my family will be guided toward relative peace.
Any other converts or future converts feel this kind of scenario?