I got sick of people not understanding how eruvin aren’t a loophole so I made a copypasta in the form of the instructions of the holy hand grenade of antioch. Feel free to use it.

“And the rabbis raised the eruv up on high, saying, ‘O people, see this thy eruv, that with it thou mayst carry in areas where carrying was hitherto prohibited, by our edict.’ And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and carp, and anchovies, and giraffes, and breakfast cereals, with nondairy milks, and large, dairy free chalupas. And the rabbis spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou evaluate out the area. Then shalt verify carrying within it is prohibited by our protective edict, no more, no less. our protective edict alone shall be the evaluative criterion, and the evaluative criterion shall be our edict. By the criterion of your own four walls shalt thou not need to evaluate, neither evaluate thou by practicality, excepting that thou then proceed to evaluate by our protective edict. A direct biblical edict is right out. Once the evaluative criterion, being our protective edict, be met, then erectest thou thy eruv around thy domains, which, being unified in the context of our protective edict, shall one be permitted to carry within.’