I feel really miserable not being observant

It kills me this time of year. It’s been a couple years since I was fully observant and over a year since I was Shomer Shabbat. I lost it piece by piece from depression. I moved far away from any real Jewish community. If I start working on it tomorrow, it could easily take over a year to get back.

It really upsets me how many mitzvot I can’t even do. I’ve had an urge to celebrate Sukkot and it just makes me sad. I don’t know how I’d even get a lulav and Etrog in time. I don’t know where I’d make a sukkah.

I try to do mitzvot and I shut down a lot of times half way through. I want to celebrate Shabbat alone at home but then I start thinking about how I’m just going to be isolated and I don’t even know if I believe in G-d nd I don’t know how I’ll ever sustain my faith enough to start an observant family or if I’m just going to give up and lose it any way. If I drive to shul somewhere, I feel even worse. Every prayer time of the day is a fight between “do it, it’s the right thing to do” and “don’t do it, does it really matter, it will upset you?” I am in Recovery and sometimes I almost break and use over my feelings about G-d.