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I feel really awful

I broke shabbos this week for the first time in years bc I’ve been really depressed. My company laid off its team in my country, I’m alone and ND (neurodivergent) and don’t have a relationship with my parents. My few friends are all getting married and moving on and don’t have time for me, and the most important person to me is constantly busy with other things to the point where I maybe get a couple texts a week. I broke shabbos bc when I was looking for the wine opener I found prescription pills and I just held them for a bit and thought about taking a bunch. I just watched YouTube like all of shabbos bc every time I thought I was feeling ok it just popped back in my mind. I’m someone that tries to encourage others to be positive and like await moshiach but I just feel like a hypocrite and more than a little part of me wants this to be over.

submitted by /u/Positive_Nature3185
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Source: Reditt