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I am starting to lose my faith in Hashem. I feel like I am constantly being punished. In our religion, does it ever discuss reasons as to why someone could be experiencing constant health problems?

I know this is weird thing to post, but I am desperate at this point. Before anyone comments something negative, please read this and try to understand my perspective. I have tried to stay hopeful and positive. I have tried.

I am a very spiritual person. I am not really religious anymore, but I do believe in God, I practice most of the holidays, I used to daven and, particularly, I read tehillim A LOT. For the past 7 years of my life, I have had MANY health issues enter my life. I know it is normal and a part of life, but the thing is, there are truly so many issues, one after the other that I am starting to lose my actual mind and questioning God.

First, I experienced panic attacks that became panic disorder. I had the worst version of it. The kind where you could not do anything but lay in bed and pray for the pain to go away. I prayed every single day, for a few hours. One day I woke up and it was GONE. I was so lucky that I overcame it within 3 months, when usually my case takes YEARS. I do believe Hashem was there and answered my prayers. But then…

My physical health issues started with the virus in 2020. I had long term covid unfortunately, diagnosed by a doctor. It gave me very weird sensations in my legs, nerve pain, brain fog, etc… the pain I felt was the worst.

Then, a year later, I fell on my back in the shower. It was so scary and shocking. I started to experience terrible pain in my arms and legs. I could not move some days. I could not walk. I got an MRI done and discovered that I have two herniated discs, one in my neck and one in my lower back. But the neuro told me that the pain I described is not correlated to my herniated discs and there was another additional issue we need to find.

He did a small ultrasound and said that he says I have a lot of muscle fixations (my fingers were involuntarily moving) – which means we need to do more tests to make sure it is nothing serious. He says some adults experience this from anxiety (which I have) but he needs to make sure it’s nothing more.

The next is a little tmi but we are adults here…. I had shocking, SHARP pain… downstairs, and then a doctor did an ultrasound and discovered that I have multiple ovarian cysts. There has been a few other health issues that I don’t think people will be comfortable reading so I won’t mention it, but you understand my point. This has happened almost one after the other, for years now. I am so mentally exhausted and feel like a different person.

Recently, I have very sharp pain under my upper left abdomen. When I breath in it hurts. When I touch it its tender and I then noticed it’s a bit puffy and hard there. Swollen.

Every day, I wonder what is in store. Some days, I feel normal again. Other days, I feel scary pain in my arms, my legs, pain that no doctor can figure out the source or reason for. I can’t walk on my legs some days. Some days I feel the ovarion cysts and cannot move. Apparently the pain is just as bad as giving birth and I understand that. Women that have it, understand what I am feeling. It’s just constant… PAIN. And when I try to stay positive, tell God what I am grateful for, etc- it doesn’t matter. Things keep getting worse.

From all of these things that have happened, I have seriously started to question what was happening. Was this all random? Is this my fault? Is God doing this to me? I have resulted, a lot of the time, to it being God who is punishing me. If this is a test, I am failing because I find myself becoming so angry, cursing, and questioning G-d. What is the point in this suffering? What did I do??? I wish I could get that answer. I feel so miserable and at times when I am 10/10 angry, I pray to God to allow me to die because I can’t take this anymore.

I don’t know if I am being punished for something by Hashem, but it feels that way. No one in my life me even believes me anymore. They can’t fathom what I am going through because it’s just too many stuff happening one after the other. With the most recent stuff, I have not even told anyone.

This is the loneliness time in my whole life. I honestly feel like my purpose here is to suffer. This past pain I have been feeling- my first reaction was laughter instead of sadness. I just started laughing. Like, wow. really? this now, huh? ok!

I have seen a side of me I never knew existed, until I started feeling all different types of pain and health struggle. I have grown very negative, bitter, and hopeless- and I apologize to God on the daily for my anger, but then I curse at him again and question it all.

I am scared for Yom kippur because every time I pray for good health and content around that time, it does not help because I just suffer more that whole year. What is even the point in praying this year? Clearly, God does not care at all. Or, this is part of my purpose and plan for who knows what. Why did he create me just to suffer? The last time I felt like myself was when I was like, 19 or 20. I am currently 25 years old. I feel like I lost so much of my youth and watch so many people around me happy, thriving, learning, dating, traveling. And me? doctor appointments. depression. praying. another health issue.

I wish I could find a good rabbi or something like that, who can help me. who can give me an answer. who can tell me what I am doing wrong.

Does the torah or anything else within our religion talk about why this happens to people? Is there something I am doing wrong? I mean, I am a young women who minds her own business. I want to be a therapist and I am currently in school for it in NY. I am very empathetic, I have this deep desire to help everyone around me, I wanr a simple life really… but that dark side? I get angry fast, and deeply, and I have depression and a lot of people in my family are the same way.

I am starting to lose hope once and for all, and want to die. I literally pray to G-d to end my misery. I don’t want to actually die, but… I miss the girl I was before. The one who did not know pain, not like that anyways. With every health issue, I have been quite hopeful and positive, but the past year that has all gone away. I feel anger all the time. I feel so miserable. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just assume worse things will be happening this next year as well.

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