I apologize if this isn’t the most appropriate post to make on this sub, but I have no one to talk to about this and would really appreciate any support or advice you can give me.
I’ve been wanting to start the process of conversion for a couple of years now. I can’t exactly explain it but I am very strongly drawn to Judaism and would love to learn more, particularly with a rabbi and a community.
My parents are Christian but neither actively practice or believe in it, and in their eyes, it’s more like a social norm they have to follow. They also had a lot to say about how other religions are barbaric and are only used to manipulate people. I believe they don’t know enough to be able to judge Judaism. They just see it as a brutal practice and seem to have the biggest problem with brit milah. To clarify, they don’t hate just Judaism, they hate any non-Christian religion.
Before the pandemic, I’d thought about reaching out to a Jewish community but I never felt safe to do so. I’d often test the waters and conclude that my parents would never be ready for something like that. And it’s not something I’m ashamed of or that I want to hide from them or anyone else.
I had an observant Jewish friend in high school and they said a lot of bad things about him and his family. For example, I remember when we were supposed to go on our graduation trip which had to be postponed because the departure day coincided with Shabbat and they couldn’t stop talking about it.
I’m horrified by the things they say on a daily basis. Even though I openly told them I don’t believe in that nor do I want to be perceived as Christian by people around me, they keep telling me the importance of keeping my Christian traditions and raising my future kids Christian. I was basically sat down and talked to like a little child whose little mind they can still manipulate with their hate, ranging from an anti-semitic book that was waiting for me under the Christmas tree last year, to going on full-on rants about how Jews rule the world and expecting me to agree. I’m just trying to distance myself from them for the time being for the sake of my own sanity.
I guess the saddest thing about this is that, the way I see it, they aren’t able to judge people as individuals but rather by race and ethnicity. I was even given a talk on who I should and shouldn’t marry. I’ve sort of accepted that I’ll have to live as a Noahide for the time being (and in secrecy, of course) but it’s not something I’m ok with. In fact, it makes my desire to convert even stronger as time goes by.