my mom died of covid in january. she was disabled my entire life and always so sick. her worst fear was dying alone in the hospital and she did. she died alone in quarantine, hooked up to a ventilator. when she was still fighting, I prayed so hard. I cried and begged god to please save my mother or to at least let her have a kinder death. neither of those things happened.
now rosh hoshanah is coming around and I feel so angry. my mom suffered for most of her life and then she died in her worst fear. it feels like god did this on purpose just to torture her.
I don’t want to feel this way. I know my mom would not want me to feel this way. but I didn’t even get to say goodbye to her. why would god do that?